UnNews:Scientists "discover" new fossils
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Scientists "discover" new fossils
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 05:13:UTC)(
4 October 2007
SALT LAKE CITY - Scientists at the tenth annual International Association of Cryptozoologists announced the
invention discovery of several new animal species, some of which provide evidence that some creatures that were previously thought to have been purely imaginary probably actually did exist. “Our discoveries provide a factual basis for many--well, some--animals that were believed to have been mythological,” Dr. Timothy Theodore declared to his colleagues.
Several of the fossils are in surprisingly good condition and comprise “skeletons, complete with skulls,” Theodore said. “If one didn’t know better, one might suppose they’d been cast in plaster.”
The Odyssey, Dr. Moore-Ronn, one of Theodore’s colleagues, features strange hybrid female human-fish creatures called “sirens the upper bodies of which would, arguably, look good in a bikini.” The organisms are also known, more colloquially, as mermaids and appear in other literary works, including the Disney film Splash! and the animated feature The Little Mermaid.
Another full-skeleton fossil
invented discovered by the cryptozoologists is the half-man, half-horse creature known as a centaur. This was the ancestor, Moore-Ronn said, of similar half-human, half-equine monsters in ancient Greek mythology. “It looks like these creatures also made it onto Noah’s ark,” Theodore observed.
Fiction that was once thought to be peopled, as it were, by unlikely animals the mere existence of which required, like Hillary Clinton, “a willing suspension of disbelief,” turn out to have been “as real as one’s mother-in-law,” cryptozoologist Debra Wingit declared. “For example, the only cyclops we believed existed, in a sense, has been Scott Summers, the X-men member who shoots some kind of ray from his eyes. However, we find the one-eyed monster that Odysseus blinded, thereby earning the enmity of the monster’s father, Poseidon, was actually--unlike the sea god himself, as far as we can determine--a living, breathing creature.”
As astonishing as these scientific
inventions discoveries might seem, there’s one that is more astounding still. Dr. Stew Pidd told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies that his team of cryptozoologists discovered the skull of what could only be that of an extraterrestrial, humanoid creature. “We have proof, at long last, that we are not alone,” he cried (rather manically).
Scientists in more established, traditional fields of study, especially biologists, challenge some of the cryptozoologists’ discoveries and the claims their colleagues have advanced concerning these inventions. “It’s hard to believe, despite the fossil evidence, that a woman and a stallion could create a half-man, half-horse creature,” Dr. Bob Roberts, Chief of Biochemistry at Killjoy University in Toronto whined. “I mean, they’re not of the same species, number one, and that’s bestiality, number two.” However, he did say that he believed that bestiality between a human and a baboon is about the only combination of parents that he can think of that would explain Rosie O'Donnell, “so maybe it is possible at that.”
Reportedly, NASA is seeking to confirm that the alien’s fossil is “bone, not plaster-of-Paris or papier-mâché.” If the agency can confirm this, a spokesman said, NASA will sponsor the new GEICO-inspired Caveman sitcom as a “documentary, to generate some interest in continued space exploration.”