UnNews:Scientists: Irish dolphins boorish drunkards
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Scientists: Irish dolphins boorish drunkards
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, February 11, 2016, 03:18:UTC)(
15 May 2007
DUBLIN - Scientists have discovered dolphins believed to be dead or sleeping in the River Shannon were just passed out drunk. "Apparently they took in plenty 'o Guinness in the waste water that flows inta here," said Dr. O. McCalmcmaccall of Dublin University. "The alcohol content of the river is about 12%," he said, "enough to turn these clowns o' the sea inta real assholes!" Residents of the nearby burg of O'Shallahanlanshan have noticed for years what appeared to be floating corpses on the River Shannon. "We thought it was jes O'Flarney an' 'is boys playin' tha fool," said Father Randy O'Touchyerbutt of the nearby parish. Scientists believe the amount of alcohol consumed in surrounding communities is flushed into the waste water through either urine or vomit. The dolphins, rather than choose to leave, stick around and consume it, much like their human counterparts. "They'd rather get drunk than go to work on catchin' fish 'er lookin' fer a mate," Dr. McCalmcmaccal added, "they're definitely some Irish dolphins." Scientists were debating on whether to attempt to help the dolphins recover from their habit. "Why bother?" asked an unidentified scientist, adding, "Look at the Irish!"
Barbara Windsnore. "Drunk dolphins passed out in river" Yahoo News, 15 May, 2007.