UnNews:Scientist finds Newspaper causes Cancer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Scientist finds Newspaper causes Cancer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 05:46:UTC)(
17 December 2007
Bolton, UK - A scientist at Bolton College, UK, has recently discovered that those individuals that frequently clean their orifices with newspaper, or frequently read or consume newspapers, may be in danger of exposing themselves to harmful radiation that causes malignant tumours to grow in explicably painful areas of their body.
Research conducted by Bolton College and its neighbour Nottingham University has proved that irradiated newspapers such as The Mirror, The Sun and The Independent are classed as newspapers that cause these maglignant tumours. Indeed, it is believed that these guilty newspapers are possible suspects for the recent cancer epidemic that has swept across the United Kingdom. Areas that are known to be at risk from these newspapers are those near landfills, corner shops or newspaper-printing factories. In particular, this cancer risk includes all households and steamtrains that do not supply professional toilet paper.
The scientist, Dr. K. Ripton, was recently interviewed to give comment on his research.
| My research is completely true. In my study, I found that most newspapers caused cancer to grow. This certainly explains why my cousin died on the loo!
I have also found that only those who read The Daily Star will be protected from this type of harmful radiation. So everyone should read the Daily Star. Yes, they should.
Further allegations that Dr. Ripton is the former editor of the Daily Star have been suspended until the investigation into his research is concluded.
Dr. Ripton also mentioned, during the end of his interview, that the newspapers also contained some sort of mugenic, and that as a result he had discovered a new life form. When queried about this statement, Dr. Ripton refused to comment and escaped from the interview room.
As to what kind of radiation the newspapers emit, it was concluded in Dr. K. Ripton's report that the radiation had characteristics similar to Polonium 210, the same radiation that killed the former Russian spy Alexander Litvenenko. It must be noted that at the time when Mr. Litvenenko was in the restaurant at the time of his poisoning, eye witnesses claim that the Russian spy was reading a newspaper. Whether this newspaper was harmful or not, it cannot be ascertained at the moment.
Further research into why the newspapers are harmful has revealed that they all share the same characteristics; cheap paper, ruffled edges, and contain badly written stories. Luckily, the Daily Star does not share any of these qualities, and it does sport some interesting images.
Dr. K. Ripton's Study (extract), new life form caused by newspaper, 21 November 2007
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|