UnNews:Scientist disappointed to find cure for cancer
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Scientist disappointed to find cure for cancer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 01:21:UTC)(
May 27, 2009
SECRET COPORATE LABORATORY, Nevada, USA -- In a secret corporate laboratory hidden somewhere in Nevada, a group of five scientists were given a forty million dollar research grant to find a cure for cancer. One of them, Dr. Ruben Fletcher, succeeded in doing so, finding the cure that would save millions of lives. In the midst of all the celebration, Fletcher's first (printable) word was "Damn."
"I don't really get it either," said co-researcher Susan Lloyd after the initial press conference. "We were all jumping around, taking off our clothes and running around nude, you know, having a good time. But Ruben, even though he was the one who made the discovery, was sitting there with his face in his hands. So I walked over and said 'what's up', you know, to see what was wrong. He was like 'Now I'm never going to get laid again'. I know, it's weird huh?"
News of the scientist's remarkable discovery came to light when the local police were called in because the celebration had gotten out of hand. Shamefaced and hunting for their clothes, the scientists blurted out that they 'had licked the big C'. Thinking this was a pornographic reference, it was only with Doctor Fletcher's intervention admitting that the scientists had discovered the cure for cancer that the police decided to let them go and alert the public of their startling discovery.
Within half an hour, local and international news organizations got the news that a big story was about to break in Nevada and were told to head to a "hidden" and "secret" laboratory. They set up a press conference to begin the interviews with the scientists. Doctor Ruben Fletcher then came out of the bathroom in his boxer shorts and sat down to be interviewed.
"Actually, it was a complete accident," said Dr. Fletcher, "I definitely wasn't intending to find the cure. It was a complete surprise! I was just mixing up some drinks for my 'assistants', and it turned out it was cure. I learned that my signature mix of booze was really the cure all along. So, as you would expect, I was quite bewildered when the solution was a cure. In fact, I didn't want to find a cure at all." After hearing this surprising news, the press court stared in shock as he continued: "Isn't it obvious? I mean you could take the forty million dollars and try to find a cure for cancer, or you can take the forty million and spend it on drugs, beer, and prostitutes. I decided that finding a cure would be impossible, so I went ahead and got myself a couple of lap dances. Having millions of dollars really turns on the ladies, and now that I'm finished with all of this research, the women won't nail me anymore. So, like I said before, I didn't want to find the cure to cancer, and now that I have, I hate myself for it. I'm not even going to get the royalties to this! I signed a contract that all my discoveries become intellectual property of this damn company! I hate you bastards!"
The press conference was about to jump up and attack the scientist until he continued. "We wasted YEARS of your peoples' time. I mean, most of that money was from the government. We used it to build waterslides from one department to the next... We spent it on trips to cancer wards to throw garbage at the patients... We even used some of the money to try and create a virus that attacks only cancer patients. Man, wild times. Whew."
Doctor Fletcher was asked when the cure would be available to the the public. "Well these things do take time you know. Also we are going to need to have our results analyzed and replicated in other labs here in the USA and around the world. I reckon in about ten years - so perhaps who knows, by then I will have discovered the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. But I am going to need more funding first."
Doctor Fletcher has since reluctantly traveled to Sweden to accept the Nobel Prize in Medicine . "Yeah, gee, thanks," he was quoted as saying before disappearing to a nightclub in Stockholm for a recruitment drive.