UnNews:Scientific study shows UnNews is better than the Onion
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
26 June 2008
Scientists released a shocking new study today that shows conclusive proof the UnNews is, in fact better than The Onion in all ways. That is right, that wasn't a typo, The Onion has officially been debunked as the finest source of news in America. We are sorry, The Onion, but there is nothing you can do to change these results; scientists don't lie. It doesn't matter how many podcasts you put out, or how real your news sets look, you will always be second best from now on. The Onion has yet to release a statement about this shocking new story, which most likely will not be covered in any form on their website, for the shame it will bring upon them.
The ecstasy and celebration that has been going on at UnNews headquarters has not ceased and it is very hard to focus on the article at hand while limboing lower and lower in the sheer happiness that has erupted since the unveiling of this story. It is simply amazing how much partying can be done in such a short amount of time.
Scientists have not let any more information out other than the knowledge that they have conclusive evidence that UnNews is better than the Onion, which, as we all knew already, was true from the beginning. Sure they may have the Onion News Network, and a fully functioning video podcast, but that doesn't mean anything now that they are absolutely, undeniably second to UnNews.
Though they will not release a statement, the Onion is expected to make drastic cuts on their services, getting rid of all of their video sections, and making drastic cuts in salaries. It will almost be like they have slaves instead of employees, and to anyone who may have taken that into a racist context, who cares? UnNews is now definitely better than the Onion! We can afford to be racist because we have that kind of power now, and don't think we aren't going to abuse it. Oh hell, we will abuse it so much now, you won't know what is up from down!