UnNews:Science allows invisible voyeurs
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Science allows invisible voyeurs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 23:28:UTC)(
9 April 2007
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CHICAGO, IL - Adolescent boys are elated at the news that a recent scientific invention, which renders objects invisible, by bending light rays around the object that is to be cloaked, will allow them to spy on girls without being seen themselves.
Engineers at Purdue University, the same school that gave Play-Doh to the world, pretending to understand physics, invented the object, which they have dubbed a “cloaking device.” A cone-shaped object, festooned with various lengths of tiny metal needles at various angles, the cloaking device bends light rays so that they go past the cloaked object, rather than being reflected off it, rendering it invisible.
Funded by General Foods, the device and all work related to it as well as the scientists and engineers who designed the cloaking invention have been confiscated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and relocated to Area 51, a non-existent, top-secret military reservation north of Las Vegas, a non-existent city in the non-existent state of Nevada.
The U. S. military sees “significant potential uses for such a weapon--I mean, invention,” General Lester ("Baby Boy") McChester told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, “and it’s too important to be entrusted to the left-wing idiots at Purdue University.”
According to McChester, the cloaking device can make jet fighters, tanks, or, possibly, even infantry divisions and aircraft carriers invisible to the enemy’s human and electronic surveillance and reconnaissance, “multiplying the military’s capability to shock and awe the enemy.”
Adolescent boys have their own ideas for how the invention might be used, although their proposed employment of the invention has nothing to do with national security or military operations.
“I could turn the cloaking device on myself,” Scotty Smutt said, glee making his pimply face glow. “Then, I could check out the chicks in the girls’ shower at school and see if Marsha Newsome--or ‘Toothsome Newsome,’ as well call her--really has knockers as big as they look with her clothes on.”
Smutt’s friend, 17-year-old Randy Rutter, agreed. “With this device, I could get a job at a women’s clothing store and check out the babes as they try on outfits in the store’s dressing rooms. It’s true, I might see mostly just panties, but a lot of younger women, especially the hotties, wear thong underwear or, in some cases, like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, no underwear at all.”
It’s “highly unlikely,” according to Byron Baron, a spokesman for Purdue University, that the invention will be sold to the public and even more unlikely that adolescents could afford to purchase the cloaking device, which will sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars. “It looks like they’ll just have to send away for the X-ray eyeglasses advertised in comic books.”
Reportedly, Bill Gates, the chairman of Microsoft, has ordered six of the devices, which he plans to award to top performers at his company, many of whom, despite their impressive resumes, remain “boys at heart” who would “love nothing better than to visit a women’s clothing store or the showers at the YWCA,” Gates admitted.
- Lotta Lies "Making military operations (and targets) invisible to the naked eye". Instant News, 21 seconds ago