UnNews:Schwarzenegger steps up campaign against Zorro
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Schwarzenegger steps up campaign against Zorro
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 23, 2017, 14:49:UTC)(
31 August 2007
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SACRAMENTO, California -- In a public statement, His Excellency the Governor of California has resolved to increase measures directed at capturing the dreaded outlaw known only as Zorro. Speaking from the balcony of his palatial hacienda, His Excellency, Don Arnold de la Schwarzenegger y Jadrny, Marqués de Thal and Alcalde of His Most Catholic Majesty's Dominion of California, harangued a large crowd.
"Compadres," he thundered, "This Zorro strikes hither and yon, attacking my soldiers and tax collectors. Perhaps this amuses you. Perhaps you think that taxes rightly belonging to the king belong in the pocket of a brigand! I say Zorro and his insolence will be stopped! Any one suspected of sheltering this... this scofflaw will be hanged! But any man bringing me information leading to Zorro's capture... that man shall have three quintals of corn, a barrel of wine from my own cellars and a new donkey!"
Reaction within the crowd was mixed. "Zorro is a friend of the people; beloved of peons and caballeros alike. No one shall betray him!" declared a Los Angeles based interior design consultant. However, a lovely young seniorita from the San Fernando valley declared that Zorro, "so enflames the base passions of the peons that ladies of breeding cannot walk abroad at night. He's, like, totally gross."
A mysterious figure, disguised in a monk's robe and hood, declined to comment.
Zorro has been harrying the activities of Governor Schwarzenegger since 2004, when a California Highway Patrol vehicle was lured into an ambush. The vehicle was vandalised and a giant 'Z' cut into its paintwork. Afterwards, hundreds of ducats of speeding fine money were distributed to delighted motorists. The policemen involved had their trousers stolen and were forced to suffer the indignity of marching back to base, barelegged. Since then, there have been dozen of similar incidents.
"On second thoughts," he added, "maybe that's not such a bad thing."
Initially, the appearance of Zorro so soon after Schwarznegger became governor lead many to believe that he was none other than Don Diego de la Davis, the son of the deposed former governor Don Grey de la Davis. However, this suspicion did not last long once it became apparent that Don Diego is naught but a foppish dandy, more concerned about the latest fashions from Madrid than fighting a one man guerrilla campaign against a ruthless dictator and suspected Austrian.
"Me, Zorro?" he asked, wide eyed, "What a question, my dear fellow! The sort of scrapes that chap must get into... goodness, I feel faint just thinking about it. Esteban! A small sherry, I must fortify myself." So certain is the Governor that Don Diego is not his man, that he has given permission for him to wed his beautiful daughter, Donna Adolphina.
Lacking a suspect, Schwarzenegger's Captain of the Guard, Don Danny de Vito, has been at his wits end finding the mysterious bandit. "When I hear he has ransacked a Fish and Game office in Oakland, I rushed there with my fastest cavalry, only to hear that he'd outwitted me, doubling back to ambush a Californian Geographical Survey unit in the Sierras, making off with thousands of pesos worth of theodolites. It's almost as if he was in league with the Devil!."
De Vito continued, "But the Governor's new plan should work. The peons are poor, and however much they love him, they will give him up for a reward of the size we are offering! And then we will see who is so clever, eh? Heh heh heh heh heh!"
Don Daniel then spun around in his chair, revealing a large 'Z' carved into its back.