Schizophrenic teenager in Disneyland
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 4, 2015, 12:14:UTC)(
8 August 2012
MARNE-LA-VALLÉE, FRANCE -- It's not going to be a sane holiday for this American family. 16 year old Ashley is having a hard time; she has schizophrenia. Strangely, her mother did not know of her affliction until today. The troubled teenager lost touch from reality immediately after having a ride on Big Thunder Mountain. "She started mentioning Thomas, a boy from her school, right after she hopped out of the wagon. When we were headed for the exit, she reached out, trying to grab the first wagon." says her mother. Ashley screamed loudly, and her mother quickly slapped her, effectively knocking out Ashley.
Her mother started to panic and called the ambulance. She went for the entrance to meet the doctor. When she and the doctor came to the place where Ashley fell, Ashley was nowhere to be found. "I had no idea where she might have went at that moment." says the worried mother. "Take him back!" screamed Ashley, this time from inside Big Thunder Mountain. Ashley's mother and the doctor rushed inside, where they found Ashley making love with her imaginary partner.
Baffled and furious, she grabbed a small, heavy metal pipe and approached her daughter. Once Ashley noticed that her mother approaches her, she yelled: "Fuck you, Ruth! Dad was right! You are a selfish piece of shit!". However, this UnNews reporter (who was assuming the fetal position at that dreadful moment) suddenly felt the urge to find out more. Ashley's mother hit her daughter right in the head with the metal pipe, effectively knocking out Ashley (again). The doctor picked up Ashley and took her to the hospital. Exclusively for UnNews, here's what Ashley said before blacking out again: "She wouldn't let me see him...".
This reporter's OCD-induced cranial itch has disappeared as this mystery has been unraveled. Where is Ashley now? She's shaking up and down faster than a horny slut. That comes as a side effect of insulin shock therapy. And her mother? Let's just say she is currently tasting a croque-monsieur.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|