UnNews:Scary Survey Issued from the Department of Homeland Security

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28 September 2006

In yet another futile attempt to quell threats to the homeland, the Department of Homeland Security has recently mailed out millions of surveys to Americans. The survey is not without criticism, however, and Representative John Murtha from Pennsylvania has voiced his strong disapproval. He liked some aspects of the survey though, and stated "if we had something similar to this in Vietnam, it would have been a heckuva lot easier to track movements of the Viet Cong while in-country."

Senator Arlen Specter, also of Pennsylvania, disagreed with Murtha, stating, "John Murtha is only a Representative, and I'm a full-fledged Senator. Reps are a dime a dozen, while every state has only two Senators." Senator Specter's credentials include proving the magic bullet theory while serving coffee and donuts to the Warren Commission.

Here is the complete text of the survey:

This is a required survey, and has been issued by the Department of Homeland Security


  • 1) Name:
  • 2) Address:
  • 3) City, State, Zip:
  • 4) Phone Number:
  • 5) Are you a terrorist?
    • (If "Yes," skip ahead to question 10)
  • 6) Rate the actions of the Federal Government on a scale of 1 to 10:
    • (If answer is less than "5," skip ahead to question 10)
  • 7) Do you currently own more than three items in liquid form?
    • (If "Yes," skip ahead to question 10)
  • 8) What religion are you?
    • (If you answered "Christian," skip ahead to line 11)
  • 9) Are you an illegal immigrant?
    • (If "Yes," skip ahead to line 11)
  • 10) Best time to contact you:
  • 11) Signature:


Please mail your completed survey to the nearest City Hall in your area. If line 10 is filled in, please deliver in person. We thank you for taking the time to complete this survey.

Because the new survey violates civil liberties and promotes his business agenda, President Bush has expressed his support for it. At a press conference today, he was hiding behind a curtain when White House Press Secretary Tony Snow told reporters, "The President told me to tell you that this survey is a necessary evil in the fight against evil and evildoers. He also wanted me to tell you to tell the American people that if they oppose the survey, they're against paper, pens, ink, and the United States Postal Service. Unrelated to the survey, the President also wants Congress to introduce a bill that would give tax relief to companies who manufacture curtains."

Because the FCC is a government agency, no reporters questioned the new policies. In other parts of the United States, however, protestors have proclaimed, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." The survey has already been approved by the Republican Senate, Republican House of Representatives, and a Republican President. In other words, the check bounced without balancing.

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