UnNews:Savage Butter Knife Murderer Strikes Again
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Savage Butter Knife Murderer Strikes Again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 21, 2016, 00:44:UTC)(
3 April 2008
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The small town of London in South East England (excluding name, area, currency, country, monarchy and government the town is of no relation to the capital city of the UK) has today been rocked by a further two murders. This brings the total murders in the town to eight in the last four days. Police are now certain that all these murders are linked and are looking for eye-witness information and leads. They released a statement earlier today.
Police Inspector Jessie, head of the case:
|“||We believe that one murderer is responsible for all eight deaths. We have no description at present of this murderer but have established that each of the eight victims were killed with a butter knife. If there are any eyewitnesses out there, or anyone who has any information, please, come forward. This ruthless, unoriginal murderer must be stopped, but if you see him (or her) do NOT approach as he (or she) is believed to be armed and mildly humorous.||”|
The inhabitants of London are now trying to work out just what's happened to them. There's a tripled police presence with Bob, Tom and Davey prowling around town, but people are still nervous. One local farmer told us of his fears and how the town seemed to be falling apart.
Racist Hillbilly Farmer with a sing-song voice:
|“||Me cows need a-milking and the sheep need a shearing, and me roof needs a-fixing. But what wit' these murders it's all been a-chaos, and butter knife indeed! This cow 'ere is called a-Daisy, she's me pride and me life, she means everything to me! If this 'ere murderer were to come a-walking down here he could be a-killing Daisy, you see? So I'm a-moving Daisy inside, and a-moving my daughter out. See this person, he come a-here with his a-murdering and he a-rips our community, you see? He's probably from, bloody Poland||”|
We interviewed most other members of the shaken community and quickly realised how little anyone, including us, cared about this town or the murders. What's more is we didn't want to care about the place and the people, because it was a disgusting dirty hovel filled with horrible people. Even the hospitals don't care about this place and if you ever dial the emergency services from the town they just laugh at you and then put down.
Stupid Old Cow:
|“||Well you see, I got home and discovered my family bleeding to death in a pools of blood, it was quite a shocking experience. After my initial start had gone I carefully took the cows out of my handbag and placed them in the back garden. Then I rang the local carpet cleaners, but they weren't open as it was a Sunday. Then I dialled "999" and asked for an ambulance and the woman at the other end just laughed at me and then hung up. They said she laughed so hard she almost died. They don't treat us right, I tells ya!||”|
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|