UnNews:Saudi woman flogged for being gang raped
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 December 2007
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- A nineteen year old Saudi woman was today convicted of the heinous crime of being gang-raped by seven men. The penalty for such a blatant violation of Islamic Law has been set at a relatively conserative six months prison time and 200 lashes. The entire story has received international attention due to several news outlets defending the girl as some sort of victim. Says the Saudi Minister of Justice: "This is a clear cut case of adultery and sexual promiscuity, both of which are unforgivable crimes in our culture. The defendant in question was partially dressed in a parked car with a man other than her husband, breaking dozens of our most sacred laws by doing so. Additionally, this woman may have been partially educated, at least enough to show basic writing skills, which constitutes a violation of many of our oldest irrevocable traditions. Portraying this person as the victim in this case would be offensive to any self-respecting Saudi."
Conflicting accounts have shrouded the case in doubt, yet piecing together testimony from the most reliable eyewitnesses, it seems that the woman was meeting with a friend from her high school in a parked car. As for being partially dressed, it seems clear that at least one of the defendant's ankles was exposed to the man in the car, a shockingly vulgar scene to those from the region in question. The defendant was tried and convicted on counts of indecent exposure, intended adultery, and being gang-banged by more than five men.
The gang in question are today being hailed as heroes in Riyadh. One local woman said of them: "Were it not for these seven courageous boys, who knows what unspeakable acts of filth might have occurred between these two vile sinners! I just wish they had also gang raped the man in question." When it was pointed out that the gang did, in fact, rape the man also, the woman exclaimed a vulgar celebratory cheer, and was promptly arrested because Islamic women are not allowed to yell or curse.
Another interesting aspect of the story was the trial of the defendant. After agreeing to a sentence of six months imprisonment and ninety lashes, her lawyer attempted to appeal the sentence based on common human decency. The judge responded by revoking the lawyer's license, removing him from the case, and "doubling the amount of lashes from 90 to 200." Upon his questioning of the judge's basic math skills, the lawyer was promptly gang-banged by the seven men responsible for the original assault, who all happened to be at the courthouse receiving Muslim Medals of Honor for Freely Interpreting In Their Own Way Vague Laws Set In Place Thousands of Years Ago By Men Who Were Afraid To Talk To Or Look At Women.
The case has sparked rare debate about Saudi Arabia's legal system, which raises the question: "Why isn't there a lot more debate about Saudi Arabia's legal system?" Justice in Saudi Arabia is administered by a series of religious courts and judges appointed by King Muhammed. These judges use a "Wheel of Justice" which is spun to determine punishments for all crimes. Penalties range from various imprisonments and lashings to public stonings and having your hand chopped off. Critics of the system argue that the same punishment is rarely administered for identical crimes, pointing out that last week two men convicted of using an aerosol can in a manner other than directed received different sentences (one got 4 years and 90 lashes, while the other got off easy with 8 months and 70 lashes). Cases in which the punishment fits the crime (known as a "Justice Jackpot") are virtually nonexistant.
The woman's ordeal has enraged more civilized governments and their citizens. Peggy Johnson-Heder of The Women's Coalition for Fair Treatment of Women was appalled at the entire episode. "Over ninety percent of the gang-bangs that occur in North America are consensual acts relating to the pornography industry" she said today. When asked if perhaps her culture was too lenient in regards to sex as opposed to too restrictive, she said "Of course not. I'm not being intolerant when I say that my culture is right and theirs is wrong." In any case, it seems the controversy is finally dying down, as the Saudi Justice Department has ruled further discussion of the case to be a crime.