UnNews:Saudi to take action over Al Qaeda “fat-shaming”

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Saudi to take action over Al Qaeda “fat-shaming”

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1 December 2015

Nayef Aziz

Saudi's ex-Crown Prince and Interior Minister Nayef bin Abdulaziz is not happy about being called a fatty by Al Qaeda.

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- Saudi Arabia has declared war on Al Qaeda's wing in Yemen after a mail-bombing of “fat-shaming business cards” to XL Saudi officials in retaliation for their planned “Execution Festival”. The day's headline act is the beheading of those convicted of “terrorist crimes” and will not feature a guitar solo.

Over the past year, a swath of terrorist attacks, mostly claimed by IS, have killed dozens in bombings and shootings throughout the Kingdom. In response to the recent brutal killing spree, the Saudi Authorities have organised a “brutal killing spree” Family Day Out (except women), with the public beheading of over fifty “convicted terrorists” taking centre stage.

The event includes free access to fairground rides such as the stomach-turning Platinum Superyacht, the Drift the Hyundai Sonata without rolling it — and win a Hyundai Sonata Challenge, and the classic Stone the coconut for a goldfish.

At the secret Al-Q HQ in Yemen, a spokesterrorist told reporters: “Our tactic of indiscriminate and bloody brutality has been very effective in the West, as normally the most distressing thing that ever happens is Burger King closures. We have a big problem with the Saudis, though, as they seem to enjoy our sort of thing. To them it is not slaughter it is... well... entertainment. They're not right in the head, if you ask me.

"With all the bling and the supercars and the eagle-stuffed-with-swan-stuffed-with-Turkey, we realised we weren't hitting them where it hurts, their vanity. Now we have discovered indiscriminate extremist attacks at a personal level drive deeper into a sick stomach than any shrapnel. And you can get 500 printed for only 25 riyals out of a machine in Menzies.”

Nayef bin Abdulaziz, the portly ex-Crown Prince and long-standing Interior Minister was sent a terror-card stating: ”Our organisation hates and resents fat people, it's not glandular, it's gluttony. We object to the enormous amount of food you consume while half the world starves.” King Abdulaziz Al Saud (who is not shy of taking an extra slice of Basbousa with cream himself) also received one saying: “if you were slimmer, you would be better off, happier and find a partner who is not a perverted chubby-lover — if you could find a partner at all.”

The response has been visceral. In an open statement on Twitter, Abdulaziz said: “We swear to God, our blood will be shed before the blood of our opinionated, scrawny, bearded critics. Although I am not upset myself, as according to my last BMI check I am borderline obese, therefore smaller than the national average; but this is action is hateful and cowardly nonetheless. The King is sensitive about his weight and demands Al Qaeda's heads on a plate by Sunday dinnertime.”

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