UnNews:Saudi Crown Prince Nayef to be buried after all
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Saudi Crown Prince Nayef to be buried after all
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 16:27:UTC)(
18 June 2012
SAUDI ARABIA -- Saudi Crown Prince Nayef bin Abdulaziz, a powerful anti-terrorist credited with pushing al Qaeda to the opposite side of an imaginary line drawn in the sand, will be buried Sunday, it was finally decided after much debate.
Initially Royal plans were drawn up to mummify the Crown Prince and then purchase a used Pyramid from Egypt, import the blocks, and recreate the edifice on top of his tomb. But this idea was scrapped when the world’s best engineers admitted that they did not possess the alien technology and other advanced means available in ancient times, and they’re simply incapable of carrying out the task in the meager 21st century AD.
Subsequently the royal family considered a number of other funeral options to determine what would be most befitting the royal occasion.
Many ideas were put forward, such as burning the prince’s body into fragrant ashes with sandalwood, and these to be scattered around the universe by a cadre of heavenly virgins, if one is to believe the 23rd cousin of the profit.
Another idea was to stuff the prince’s body into a projectile and fire it atop a rocket aimed at the Moon, which is well-known as the physical gateway to paradise, if one is to believe the 4th nephew of the profit.
A more modern method also suggested was to compress the ashes of his body to such a high degree that it turns into a flawless black diamond fit to be ceremoniously offered to Allah - if we are to believe the Caliph of Farrok, who was 2nd brother of the profit’s maid servant.
Another choice which the privy council considered was to freeze his body and keep him in an Igloo on Antarctica until medical science can devise a way to bring the dead back to life without resorting to reincarnation of the Hindus.
Still another idea was to embalm and display the prince’s body, but the plan was scrapped when it became known that a Jewish company makes all embalming fluid that’s commercially available.
After all these funeral methods were rejected for various reasons, it was decided to consult the Koran version by Abdul, uncle of the profit’s wife, who is rumored to have declared, “All dead men must obey the law of gravity!”
First it was thought that this indicated the proper thing was to hurl the former crown prince into the ocean according to the Neo-Islamic traditions of Seal Team Six. But that idea was scrapped due to the absence of a UN consensus.
Finally it was determined that digging a hole in the ground, dumping his remains, and covering them with sand was the most Islamic idea after all. Now the only question is where.
Saudi state TV, which reported his death Saturday, broadcast Quran readings as an expression of grief for the prince, who died in Geneva from an overdose of prescription prayer mixed with alcohol and Viagra.
The Saudi Press Agency published a statement from the Royal Court, saying it “commands the Saudi people to pray to God to bless the prince’s soul and to reward him for his services to the cause of stoning hookers and castigating members of the bin Laden group of extremist wankers.”
Nayef's body will arrive in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on Sunday and will be buried immediately following afternoon tea and a siesta, according to an all-knowing CNN spokesperson who, for that reason, may be tasked with choosing the spot.
Following the funeral an extended period of morning - most likely for three days - will be announced, a Saudi official said. After which the late morning, noon, afternoon, evening and night will again be allowed to take place.