UnNews:Satanic opossums try and take over the world
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Satanic opossums try and take over the world
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 25, 2016, 04:20:UTC)(
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3 January 2010
THIRD LEVEL, Hell -- In retaliation for prayers by Seventh Day Adventists, Satan has set radioactive, evil opossums with super-powers to prowl the Earth for every last righteous man, intent on ripping them limb from limb. The glowing green little monsters with titanium teeth, telekinetic abilities and an appetite for human lungs have been let loose in one strategic location on each continent of the planet.
Iran is putting the full weight of their nuclear program into the destruction of these evil beasts. An emergency session has been called by the United Nations to discuss all member nations' defensive capabilities against such a fearsome enemy.
On another front, it is believed that Satan has caused demons to possess proctologists. Men are advised to cancel upcoming prostate exams, and everyone should avoid colonoscopies and other procedures which part the anal sphincter.
- Kingston Persimmon "The apocalypse is upon us! The apocalypse is upon us!". The Boston Globe, January 3, 2010
As we all know, opossums have invaded every country with MOAR pwnge and guns. We don't notice cuz the rat abd cat mafia decided to hijack the president and control his body, and so satan controls the president of canada (wtf?) and egypt (monarchy wtf) and the U.S. (oligarchy wtf?).