UnNews:Sarah Michelle Gellar reincarnated as comic book character

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18 March 2007

Buffetvamp

Sarah Michelle Gellar, back from the dead, stars in Dark Whores‘ comic, Buffy the Vampire Layer: Season 8

NEW YORK, NY - The late actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, who committed suicide in an attempt to win a posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award following a string of critically panned, low-budget, and career-destroying horror films, has been reincarnated, both her husband Freddie Kreuger Prinze, Jr., himself the son of a suicide, and her agent confirm.

“Sarah’s back,” Freddie told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “Just like Buffy,” a character she played in Joss Whedon’s interminably long, mind-numbingly boring television series Buffy the Vampire Layer, “she’s come back from the dead, better than ever.”

“Spending a little time away from the demands of Hollywood seems to have helped her refocus,” her agent, who wishes to remain anonymous, said. “She’s let her hair down, lost a lot of weight, and is ready to tackle the entertainment world again, right after she has dermal abrasion treatments to remove a little necrotic tissue around the breasts and buttocks and the worms are removed from her left frontal lobe.”

Gellar’s reincarnation as a comic book character occurs just in time for her to appear as the protagonist in the eighth season of the popular television series, which Whedon, ever the innovator, has decided to “broadcast in print,” rather than over the airwaves, in an effort to “stiff the actors” out of salaries and other fees. “Comics are a lot cheaper, and, with the print medium, you don’t have bad behavior on the set to worry about, as I did when I was producing, directing, writing, and distributing Buffy as a weekly TV show.” Comic book giant Dark Whores will distribute Whedon’s magnum opus.

Gellar is the only member of the comic book “cast” who will receive remuneration for her appearance. “She’s alive,” Whedon clarified the distinction between his star and the other characters in the comic book. “As such, she’s still represented by the Screen Actors’ Guild.” The likenesses of Alyson Hannigan (Willow Rosenberg), Nicholas Brendon (Xander Harris), and others need not be paid, as “they’re just inkblots,” Whedon said.

There are some advantages in working with what Whedon refers to as “paper dolls.” The pen-and-ink characters don’t question, challenge, or talk back, he said, and “they’ll do anything.” For the longest time, he confided, he tried to get Alyson Hannigan to appear nude in one or another of the TV series’ episodes, to add “verisimilitude” to his show “and a little--and, in Allie’s case, I mean very little--T & A.” Like the other female stars of the series, Hannigan refused to perform nude. “She wouldn’t even go topless,” Whedon whined.

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However, the pen-and-ink Willow, depicted in Hannigan’s image, “has no such false modesty,” he said, “and is willing to act completely naked whenever I want her to do so, which is frequently.” In addition, since the medium is a comic book that involves only sketches and illustrations, Whedon may include a sexual ménage a trios among Buffy and Willow, who are now adults, and their former mentor, Rupert Giles. “I always wanted to do that on TV, but neither the WB, Fox, nor UPN are corrupt enough yet to allow such fare.”

A closet homosexual, Whedon said that his Buffy comic would also “definitely” include a little “gay sex, this time, probably with Xander and somebody else, maybe a hirsute demon.”

Reportedly, Gellar is also prepared to make a cameo appearance in Zombies: Nothing to Shudder About, a film being produced by actual zombies [1], if she can convince her acting hubbie, Freddie, to appear opposite her. The happy couple will play a bride and groom who are eviscerated as they exchange their wedding vows. Pee Wee Herman has agreed to play the officiating priest and will be listed in the movie's credits as "lunch."

Freddie is happy to have his wife back, saying she looks as good as any Playboy model, at least to him. “The only problem I’m having is making love to her,” he said. “She’s willing, but it’s just not the same, and, although I wear a condom, I’m still afraid I’ll get a paper cut down there.”

If such does happen, it won’t bet he first time Buffy’s drawn blood, though, he admitted, holding up a pair of scissors, “but it might be the last.”

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