UnNews:Sarah Michelle Gellar attempts suicide

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21 January 2007

Gellbed2
Gellar, plotting next suicide attempt as she recovers from previous, failed effort

TOKYO, JAPAN - Discouraged by her stalled film career and encouraged by the posthumous awarding of the Oscar to the late Dakota Fanning [1], would-be actress Sarah Michelle Gellar attempted suicide in her hotel room in Tokyo, Japan, where she is vacationing with her boy toy husband, Freddie Krueger Prinze, Jr.

“Sarah’s dying to win an Oscar,” Prinze told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies. “She worked her heart out while starring as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the industry snubbed her season after season, refusing even to consider her for an Emmy. She thought now that she was starring in feature-length films, she’d win an Oscar in no time, but she hasn’t, and Dakota’s winning one after she was dead really got to her.”

“It wasn’t that,” Gellar disagreed. Speaking in a shaking, halting voice, she explained, “I fully support Dakota’s win. I mean, she had to die to get the damned thing. I thought, Why didn’t I think of that? Her mother’s a genius! Then, I thought, It’s not too late, especially if I leave a suicide note behind, lamenting the fact that I was never treated fairly by Hollywood and explaining how badly I wanted an Oscar.”

“If she wants an Oscar, she should learn how to act,” Gellar’s former talent agency’s president, Dave Wirtschafter contends. “A modicum of talent might not hurt, either.”

“Her problem is that she is willing to appear in anything,” Alyson Hannigan, who starred with Gellar in Buffy, argued. “I mean, she hasn’t been in a decent movie since she starred with Reese Witherspoon in Crude Intentions, the film in which she tongue-wrestled Selma Blair.”

David Boreanaz, who played Gellar’s lover and nemesis in Buffy, agrees with both Wirtschafter and Hannigan. “Sarah’s cute, sort of--except for her nose--but she really can’t act, and she has no sense of what script could make a decent movie.”

Joss Whedon who wrote many of the episodes of the television series as well as the B-movie upon which it was based, said he was too busy finishing Wonder Woman to be concerned about Gellar, although he did say, “I wouldn’t give her an enema, let alone an Emmy, and an Oscar is out of the question, no matter how many times she tries to 'die.'”

However, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences wasn’t as quick to dismiss Gellar’s chances. “Maybe if her husband videotapes her death,” the Academy’s president, Sid Ganis, suggested, “we might consider her.”

Allegedly, Dakota Fanning’s on-screen death at the hands of her mother, Joy, has whet moviegoers’ appetites for snuff films.

“It couldn’t be sleeping pills or anything like that, though,” Ganis stipulated. “It would have to be gory and painful, and it would have to be protracted. Our audiences want to see blood, and they want to see suffering.”

Gellar, told of Ganis’ remarks, smiled. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” she vowed. “I’m dying for an Oscar!”

Prinze said his wife is already planning her next suicide attempt. “This one,” he said, “will be successful, she says.”

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