UnNews:Santa tightening his belt
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Santa tightening his belt
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 03:49 (UTC)
3 December 2009
SANTAS WORKSHOP, North Pole (disputed territory) -- There's been a shakeup at Santas Workshop this year. Personnel have been hired, fired, and shifted to other departments at blitzkrieg rates, in an effort to stem the tide of a sagging North Pole economy.
"As you know, our profits are derived from repackaged good behavior in children, following the tried and true Wall Street model," says Santas Vice President of Accounting Bernard Madoff. "Kids these days have become, for the most part, assholes. They're demanding, narcissistic, noisy and rude. It's impossible for us to stay in business at this rate."
"We are experiencing a paradigm shift here," said spokesperson Samuel L. Jackson at Santa headquarters in Jaffrey, New Hampshire. "Elves have been leaving the business in droves, looking for better pay and benefits, material costs have skyrocketed. We needed to take extreme measures to preserve our business."
Most disheartening to Santa is the fact that the recipients of his generosity are becoming increasingly ill-behaved, ungrateful, lazy, and in general, counter-productive towards efforts to strengthen the worlds economies.
"At the heart of it all, of course, are the children. We've noticed the alarming decline in the ability of children to behave themselves since the 1960s, accompanied by an increase in shouting and pouting. To be blunt, we're tired of these motherfucking, ill-behaved kids on this motherfucking holiday!"
"Of course, we're hoping parents will hold up their end," says Jackson. "I think many of our behavioral problems could be nipped in the bud, if the parents were to revive corporal punishment. On our end, we're hoping to project an image of a more watchful, sinister Santa Claus. Remember kids, Santa is watching, always watching."