UnNews:Santa snagged in counterfeit crackdown
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Santa snagged in counterfeit crackdown
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:29 (UTC)
19 December 2006
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NORTH POLE - Acting on evidence provided by the RIAA, DEA agents yesterday raided the North Pole. The pre-Christmas blitz netted virtually the entire Claus cartel, including Mrs. Claus and a majority of their employees, most of whom were undocumented. Over sixty sleighloads of evidence were removed from the site.
At a press conference this morning an unnamed DEA official's rhetoric was triumphant, "Sure, we don't normally do this kind of op. In fact, it could be said that something of this nature is well outside our jurisdiction. But the RIAA's hard evidence against the Santa syndicate convinced us that we had to move on this, and move fast."
"They told us that these unidentified rectangular plastic objects that contain rolls of a shiny plastic tape could be used by children as a 'gateway' to stronger piracy. I have no reason to not believe them. The behavior of the RIAA has consistently been above reproach. Santa and his ilk are criminals and if there's one thing the RIAA knows, it's the criminal mind."
While the "gateway piracy" theory has yet to be proven, or indeed even theorized, none of the assembled reporters queried the DEA agent's dramatic, if flawed, logic as he had opened the press conference by stating, "I've got a gun and I'm willing to use it."
The government of Canada sent a couple of police to assist the cold-weather operation. "Aw jeez, eh. I feel bad aboot taking down Saint Nick and all. To be honest I'd never thought of him as a pirate." RCMP Constable Miller told the press, "He doesn't even have a parrot, eh."
RIAA representative Mitch Bainwol insists that is because the beloved symbol of the holiday season was in disguise. "Santa is no philanthrope. He's a crook, pure and simple. He's a sneaky devil, that one. We simply couldn't let another Christmas pass with his rampant unauthorized copying of copyrighted works. First we plugged the analog hole, or 'A-Hole'. Now we've wiped the 'S-Hole' off the map. We've got to put artists first...and think about the children." he disclosed with pride.
"Next we're going after those that his worldwide criminal empire serviced; co-conspirators like parents, relatives, friends and the like..." he continued, "...and the children. We have to think about the children."
Nuisance lawsuits are in the process of being filed by the RIAA against the estimated "ten million billion" children who have sent Santa letters requesting presents from the syndicate.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|