UnNews:Santa replies to children's letters; Truth revealed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Santa replies to children's letters; Truth revealed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 16:07:UTC)(
17 December 2007
After many years of waiting for a reply, millions of children may finally be hearing from the man, and millions of parents will be in disbelief. Last week, Saint Nicholas sent a mass mailing to all his millions of adoring fans explaining his situation:
- To my dearest believers,
- Many of you have been told that I don't exist; that I'm just a character that people made up to make Christmas more profitable. To call them lies would be false, as they really don't know of my actual existence.
- Many of you sent me your lists of gifts. To be brutally honest, I have become economically isolated, as all the major companies could not afford to operate factories out of the North Pole, so they took the business opportunity elsewhere. My own factory is incapable of producing any of your gifts, as the elves went on strike and unionized. Sony and Microsoft refused to give me the rights to produce Xbox 360's and PS3's, and most Chinese toy companies refused to cooperate as i did not put the required high levels of Lead into the paint.
- Life here in the North pole isn't as jolly as all those cute Christmas cards and TV shows tell you. For instance, Mrs. Claus is threatening to leave me as the ice shelf the north pole and my home is on is starting to break apart thanks to global warming. I had no choice bet to kill Rudolph as it turned out his red nose was a sign for a contagious and incurable disease infectious to both reindeer and humans. My sleigh got totaled in a DUI with a 747. There is very little food here, and many of the cuddly woodland creatures have turned to violence and cannibalism. I could go on, but it may scare the little children.
- Myself, I am growing old and weak. I cannot see nor hear well, and I may not live for very much longer, I'm afraid. I have not seen a doctor for over 60 years, and have not had any other human contact since my sleigh got wrecked. I have lost everything I had.
- I would like to conclude this letter by saying how much I love the children, and to carry on my legacy by remembering me by who I was, a fat jolly man who brings presents and to continue to tell the "myth" of Santa Clause. Have a jolly Christmas.
- Yours Truly, Santa Claus