UnNews:Santa decides - no murderous rampage this year
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Santa decides - no murderous rampage this year
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 02:53:UTC)(
23 December 2006
NORTH POLE -- In shock news, Santa has decided to hold off on his usual festive killing spree tomorrow night since he feels "no-one respects me any more". In an exclusive interview stolen by UnNews from CNN, Claus (52(K)) pointed out that he has been arrested no fewer than six times this month alone (see "Sources" below for a timeline of UnNews stories as they happened). "From smuggling polonium, to kidnapping, to identity theft - the police just wouldn't leave me alone," he says. "And all those nights in jail cells really took it out of me." When questioned as to whether this shock move to stop the killing was due to a religious conversion in prison, Claus stated: "I found God in that place. He was in there on suspicion of terrorism. But mainly this is just because I need a rest - I fully expect to resume my wholesale slaughter next Christmas Eve."
Although maintaining a unified cool exterior, our sources reveal administrations across the world to be in turmoil today as the news sinks in. "We support Santa's anti-killing proposal," said Prime Minister Tony Blair of England, UK, Great Britain, "and we intend to adopt it ourselves as soon as George stops telling me to invade places. The rumour that we relied on Santa to exterminate all the naughty people who we couldn't kill after abolishing the death penalty is totally untrue. And so is the rumour that there is such a rumour. Good day."
Meanwhile, Santa has promised that this radical departure from tradition will not affect present giving to people deemed Nice. "I felt that it was unfair to punish the good people of the world for the errors of a few misguided employees of the state," said Claus. "And besides, I've had a rather amusing idea - you'll like this - I thought instead of gunning down the Naughty in a frenzied bloodbath, I could... wait for it... I could leave a lump of coal in their stockings instead!" Sounds of a chirping cricket are drowned out on the interview tape by Claus's own Hohohoing.
The officers who arrested Mr Claus on these six separate occasions were not available for comment - police fear someone may have made them up, and are asking for anyone who was editing UnNews between December 5th and 19th to come forward for questioning.
Meanwhile, the world waits anxiously for the unknown effects of this unprecedented departure from one of its oldest traditions.
- Steven Shafer, Alfred Yankovic "Earliest documented account of Santa's bloodlust", March 27, 1996
(Warning - clip contains Grue that you are likely to be eaten by.)
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|