UnNews:Santa dead in fireplace trap
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Santa dead in fireplace trap
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 06:14:UTC)(
26 December 2006
IRELAND, Europe — Reports that Santa Claus died last night in a sitting room in the middle of Ireland have finally being confirmed, his friendly elf friends Merry and Pippin having identified his charred, mutilated body.
At first no foul play was cited, nor was it ruled out, however it has come to the fore that a complex trap designed with Capsela. Capsela is a long forgotten mechanical system that was usurped by the more simplistic Meccano in the nineties. However the Irish police do not fully understand the system or how the nuts and bolts work, and thus will not comment any more on the method of capture. "I'm a simple man meself, make my bread, eat my chicken, ask the wife to move over, this isn't my forte. We may call in some college nerds now you know, so we can comment further on this. Will I be on the news, will I?" - Police Superintendent Mel McDonald.
They will however say, that once Santa was captured by this trap, he was unable to exit the fireplace. The lone person in the house, a 10 year old boy whom we cannot name for legal reasons, who we shall call "Boy," had predicted an intruder in his home on Christmas Eve. Boy's parents accidentally left him home alone when they travelled to Dublin to spend Christmas with the grandparents.
Boy took what he said were simply steps of home defence against Santa, and the first thing he did after the capture was forcibly make the jolly man swallow 3 LSD tabs. He spent an hour making papercuts in Santa's skin with a tiny razor blade until Santa came up on the acid and had every sense and thought magnified to maximum intensity with the drugs effects. Then Boy proceeded to beat Santa with a barbed wire baseball bat made out of platinum and donned with electric eels. Boy removed Santa's face with a pair of scissors and stuck it back on backwards, but not before making him swallow his eyeballs. He then ripped open Santa's scrotum and placed one thousand tiny paper cuts on the testicles themselves.
Boy insisted all these were necessary steps to defend his home against immediate danger. This has been accepted by the police. "Well, y'know, yourself, ya play, y'know, ya wanna defend your home, and, well, y'know. Fair enough like." - Sergeant Ross McEvoy. However doubt has been thrown on Boy's final actions.
Boy eventually covered Santa with petrol and shot him in the penis with a shotgun, igniting the petrol and setting Santa on flames, where the magically strong and long lived man took 6 hours to die while off his face on a bad trip.
"To his credit, now, he called us an' all, told us what was going on, but ya just don't kill a man, even if he might be a pedophile. This is the one thing now, we might have him up for murder, and at ten years old, that's an adult in Ireland, so he might be facing our maximum sentence of 4 months, 15 weeks of that suspended. Ya just don't kill a man." - Superintendent Mel McDonald.
More information on this tragic end to one of Coca-Cola's most enduring icons as we get it.