UnNews:Santa Updates With Fresh, Cleanshaven Look
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Santa Updates With Fresh, Cleanshaven Look
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, April 25, 2017, 14:49:UTC)(
23 December 2007
Santa Opts For Ditching Facial Feature
This year, don't expect a bushy-bearded jolly old elf to be sliding down your chimney to drop off presents. The Solstice Sultan of Surprise has adopted an updated image, doing away with the white facial locks that have enamoured five generations of children, and given them the mental picture of unconditional love.
So why ditch a century of successful branding?
A top North Pole official described a different story, however, advising that Santa was exasparated by ten decades of itching, pulling and icing up on the sleigh. "It's not as spontaneous a move as The Boss'd like you to think," warned the senior elf who preferred not to be named. "Polling shows that sports superstars, pop icons, and fashion models are all more recognizable when cleanshaven. Kids are more comfortable, inspired, around them. The new look does away with "Deadbeat Grandad" and is simply more presidential."
Santa's late-breaking decision also caused some consternation at corporate headquarters. "The change was made too late this year to update the Ho-Ho-Ho Distribution Network," said Marketing Director Jerry the Elf. "Expect to see Santas in malls with the modern look next Christmas season."
Rumor has it that a clothing makeover is also in the works. Claus' valet, Twinkle, first told of the debearding procedure. "You think shaving that sheepskin off his face was an easy task? First it had to be cut down, then shaved. The whole process took five hours." He then went on to inform how the annual drycleaning bill for Santa's well-known red and white, soft and fuzzy outfit continually enraged the North Pole's CFO. While the operation may be a non-profit one, costs are still watched. There's also testing for a new, sleeker costume based on carbon fibre and kevlar. Though it might mimic Batman a little much, the valet believes Santa Claus has the physique to make the design work. "People don't know how fit he is for his age," said Twinkle. "I've seen him without his shirt on, and he's got great abs."