UnNews:Santa Skeptic Found Stuck in Chimney
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Santa Skeptic Found Stuck in Chimney
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 12:31:UTC)(
14 December 2011
Little Rock, Arkansas -- Phil Potts, an outspoken skeptic of "the Santa myth", was found stuck in the chimney of his Little Rock home this morning and required the help of local rescue workers to free himself. His wife, Enya Potts, received the shock of her life when she awoke this morning to the sound of her husband's cries for help.
"My husband was on an expedition to the North Pole to prove that Santa is a hoax." related Mrs. Potts, "We weren't expecting him back until December 23rd."
A Reservation Specialist at the Columbus Travel Agency confirmed that Mr. Potts, had purchased tickets to Helsinki, Finland with a connecting chartered plane to the North Pole. Mr. Potts had taken a great deal of equipment with him, including full-spectrum and infrared camcorders used commonly by ghost hunters. He also had specialized flood lights that are marketed as being able to illuminate entities invisible to the naked eye.
"I wanted to prove once and for all that Santa Claus is a fable," Mr. Potts told reporters, "So I took several thousand dollar's worth of equipment to prove that there is no elf factory in any 'spiritual realm' or any of that nonsense."
Potts, however, is unable to tell authorities how he came to be stuck in the chimney.
"I don't remember anything from the time that I got off the chartered plane," said Potts.
However, Potts' journal was found in the chimney on top of him. The last entry, dated 12 December 2011 reads:
"Arrived at the North Pole late today. Planning to set up equipment after I get some sleep. Glad to have the flood lights to help me set up my tent."
Although the journal was found in the chimney with Potts, none of his other equipment seems to have made the return trip.
When asked if he was still a skeptic, Potts replied, "Must have been aliens, because I never got didly squat, except coal on Christmas. And I only took three kids' lunch money a day. I knew kids that took twice that and still got good stuff at Christmas."
Rescuers took several hours to free Potts and had to remove part of the chimney's bricks. Damage to the home is estimated at $7,500.