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Santa Claus not much of a kidnapper after all

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19 December 2006

Santa Kidnapper

Santa's mugshot. Still looking better than Nolte and Torn.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina-- According to authorities, all it takes to stop Santa Claus from kidnapping an eight-year-old girl is flashing high-beams. Today's attempted kidnapping was disappointing for Santa observers who had waited for decades to see what kind of damage Chris Kringle could do if he really lost it.

The kidnapping incident occurred at a gas station where Santa was refueling his motorcycle as Rudolph the red-nosed Raindeer sat in the sidecar. The young girl approached Santa with her family and was quickly snatched up by the jolly old elf who took off at speeds approaching 80 mph.

Thinking quickly, the girl's father jumped in his vehicle and chased down the sluggish Clause signaling him to stop by flashing his high beams. Then, Claus actually stopped.

The two men chuckled about the attempted kidnapping as Claus handed over the girl and patted Rudolph on the head. "We almost got her little buddy," he said, belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly. As the police closed in, Claus didn't even try to jump down a nearby chimney. He simply waited patiently to be taken into custody. Court officials say bail was set at over $100,000.

"Who has that kind of goddam money?" said Mrs. Claus when reached for comment by phone, adding "And why the hell didn't he and Rudolph just fly away? And what kind of pervert did I marry?"

"I didn't think it would be that easy to stop the guy," said the father afterwards. "For crissake, he's been sneaking into my house every year for my entire life."

The ease of the arrest has left Santa Claus experts baffled. "This is a guy who can fly around the world in a night and deliver toys to billions of people while constantly eating cookies along the way," said one exasperated Clausologist. "That he couldn't at least get across state lines really shakes the foundations of my belief in him."

This wouldn't be the first time Claus disappointed someone. Crowds of people gathered at his arraignment to complain about poorly conceived stocking gifts--several people had received more stockings stuffed inside their stocking. "That's just retarded," a woman screamed. Other disgruntled giftees threw pet rocks and clementine oranges his direction chanting "You make toys worse than you kidnap!"

One angry man arrived with a lawn dart implanted in his neck that had been there since Christmas of 1978. "This guy does more damage when he's trying to be nice," the man said, and shook his head sadly, the lawn dart glinting in the cold winter sun.

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