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Santa Claus is not coming to town

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Tuesday, September 25, 2018, 20:30:59 (UTC)

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5 December 2006

Santa mug shot

Christopher Kringle, age unknown, after being arrested for DUI on Friday, December 1. Santa is now a suspected terrorist.

NORTH POLE -- While millions of people are celebrating the Christmas holiday, they may not be getting their presents from Santa Claus. Claus -- also known by the aliases Chris Kringle, Kris Kringle, Kriss Kringle, St. Nicholas, St. Nick, Leon Noel, Marvin Noel, and The Fat Guy -- was arrested Friday, December 1, when police pulled his sleigh over and charged the Jolly One with driving under the influence, assaulting officers, and making anti-Semitic comments. Then the next morning, Santa was in his jail cell when we was woken up by an attorney and served with divorce papers. Mr. and Mrs. Claus had been married for God knows how long!

World leaders including George W. Bush, Kofi Annan, Tony Blair, Ralph Nader, Al Gore, and John Kerry have taken extra precautions to keep Santa Claus from terrorizing the nations. The FBI has listed Kringle as a suspected terrorist. Kerry said at an emergency press conference, "Anyone seen flying a sleigh above our land will be attacked by our nuclear missiles and be killed on impact. Then, if they possibly survive, they will be forced to watch my final movie, Wagons East!"

President Bush says that a videotape he saw on CNN convinced him to ban Santa from flying over the U.S.. In the ad, Claus is seen singing a mock Christmas carol with the following lyrics:

Bow down, bow down
To the evil power of Santa
Or be crushed, or be crushed
His jolly boots of doom!

Unfortunately, Bush was informed at 4:49 Monday afternoon that the video was actually a promotional spot for a Christmas episode of Invader Zim on the Nicktoons Network. "I feel like such a genius sometimes. How could I be so smart?"

The U.N. has not yet figured out a way for presents to be delivered, but have told the press to keep their bananas peeled.

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