Santa Claus is coming to town after all
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 18, 2018, 14:17:UTC)(
24 December 2006
NORTH POLE, The Arctic -- Beloved Christmas icon Santa Claus, who was put on the world's terror alert list earlier this month, is coming to town after all. Police arrested his twin brother, Satan Claus, Saturday night for charges of DUI, DWI, assaulting a police officer, and Making anti-Semitic comments; charges that were previously attributed to Santa. This means that St. Nick is free to fly all over the world to deliver gifts to all the good girls and boys.
United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan said he was deeply sorry for the misunderstanding, stating, "Santa is on my nice list anytime. I look forward to finally getting my Playstation 3." Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, understandably so, this being Christmas Eve and all.
However, President George W. Bush feels betrayed by the beloved Christmas icon. Bush said recently, "You betrayed me, Santa! You never gave me my "Adventures of Pete & Pete" DVDs, and for that, you must die!" Then, after receiving word that Santa was innocent all along, Bush replied, "Oh, my bad, dawg! You da man, Santa."
Santa Claus has been delivering presents to children for God knows how long now. Despite what many may not know, Christmas is all about the birth of Christ, not about presents, or decorations, or 24 hours of A Christmas Story. Either way, expect Santa to drop down your chimney this Christmas Eve. Ho! Ho! Ho!
I can't wait to get my heroin, and my new hypodermic needle, this year.