UnNews:Santa Claus blamed for recession, nuked by North Korea, becomes pirate
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Santa Claus blamed for recession, nuked by North Korea, becomes pirate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 23, 2018, 09:09:UTC)(
31 May 2009
The Town Where Semen Freezes, North Stripper Pole — The United Nations announced yesterday that upon further investigation, the primary cause of the current global financial recession was due to the communist actions of Santa Claus, leader of the communist state of the People's Socialist Republic of the North Stripper Pole. All throughout his life, Claus has distributed "gifts" worldwide, clearly intending to spread communism with his equal gift giving of both the rich and poor. Many governments, as well as NORAD, have kept careful watch on Claus throughout the years, knowing of his incredibly sophisticated techniques at illegally crossing borders. Santa also states that copyright laws are a capitalist evil and replicates the toys of many companies. Still, the billions made each year by exploiting Santa's image allowed little legal action to occur against Claus. UN concluded on May 22nd that Santa's gift giving freed up more money to be spent by people, and they ended up blowing more than they should have because of this. "It's simple really," one analyst said. "By giving away all these things for free, people realized they could spend less on shopping and so had extra money they blew on other stuff. This was a major factor in the recession, and the companies who normally make big money off of Santa during the Christmas season did not this year because the recession had already sunk in."
The North Stripper Pole is a communist state, unusually for communist nations, a Christian state as well, which is mainly why it was tolerated by the West, with George H. W. Bush stating that, while he "may be a communist, he is also a Christian. Most communists are atheists, but Mr. Claus demonstrates that he values God over Marx, so he can't be all that bad." Despite this, George W. Bush attempted to have Claus arrested in 2004 due to national security concerns over Claus visiting the United States without a passport or security check by the Department of Homeland Security. Dick Cheney in particular has declared in the past that Santa Claus is a great threat to the national security of the United States. He also said that plans to invade the North Pole were once considered after no WMDs were found in Iraq, saying that "our intelligence operatives believe that he may have given Weapons of Mass Destruction to Saddam Hussein in 1984. The question is, where are they now? We believe Santa may have taken back the WMDs for unknown reasons, possibly because Hussein is not Christian." However, the realization that there is no oil or even land in the North Pole, along with Al Gore saying that the North Pole would be entirely water in fifty years led to the invasion's cancellation. He added, "also, it's too cold up there for waterboarding. You're not going to learn anything by putting a block of ice down own's throat. They wouldn't be able to talk, and even if they could it would probably be some muffled language no one can understand, like African or Indian."
World outrage ensued, culminating in North Korea launching a nuclear attack against Pole Stripper, North Stripper Pole. To the great dismay of many, several of the highest-quality centers of the porn industry were destroyed. A few million child and elf laborers died too. It seems that the Arctic has largely melted as well and has been extremely reduced in size; almost all of the inhabitants of the North Stripper Pole died either by radiation or drowning. The UN has declared that the attack rendered the Arctic Snowman species completely extinct. The world quickly condemned the North Korean attack, and Sweden specifically launched four thousand nuclear warheads at North Korea, but the North Korean government was harmed due to Kim Jong Il using his hair to absorb the impact. His hair was not harmed.
Santa, along with other top government
prostitutes children slaves officials apparently seeked refuge on the Moon, but their ship was damaged and reportedly crashed in Somalia. Santa reportedly became a high-level pirate in the region, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor to "make all economic classes equal and therefore nonexistant. I am now a Captain of the Proletariat Pirates, defender of equality, terrorizer of capitalist pigs! Blaming me for this crisis was indeed a laughable attempt for the capitalist pigs to shift the blame from themselves to their enemies and attacking me was simply because North Korea is fucking insane. Yo Ho Ho Chi Minh!"