UnNews:Santa Claus arrested after disappearance
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Santa Claus arrested after disappearance
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 14:38 (UTC)
26 December 2007
LOS ANGELES, California - Santa Claus, who recently disappeared in the Atlantic Ocean, has been found. Initially, thousands were ecstatic, but when it was reported minutes later that Santa Claus was arrested for flying under the influence, several people were incredibly disappointed. Santa Claus was released on a $5,000 bail yesterday. Unfortunately, as his sleigh was towed away by the local police, he could not give out any presents this year. Santa appeared at a press conference earlier today, where he said:
|I have to take just one Christmas off, after all the work I did, making presents, checking to see if people were naughty or nice and flying around giving away so many presents for so many years. I mean come on, can't a guy just shave his beard and let loose?|
Due to Claus's arrest and forced outage from his duties, skepticism is high, and many people have knocked out some of their teeth, just in the hopes of getting money from the Tooth Fairy so they could by themselves presents. These were primarily children, as their teeth would grow back in the future. When we hit the streets to get comments about the incident, a father of two children said:
|I don't understand what the big deal is here. It's just one year without him and we always have alternatives such as going Christmas shopping at the last minute.|
Questions have arisen as to whether Santa Claus would give out presents in the future. This partially depends on if Santa will be in prison. His sentence is likely to be no more than three months, but this is not a promise. As with our previous report, the Easter Bunny is a possible candidate for replacement.