UnNews:Sandy Hook Elementary School condemned
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sandy Hook Elementary School condemned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 24, 2016, 06:47:UTC)(
14 May 2013
NEW SCHOOL, CT – Flush with taxpayer money, local officials have decided to execute Sandy Hook Elementary School as punishment for the murderous educational institution's “having wantonly destroyed” the lives of “twenty innocent children” and six educators. The decision, officials suggest, is a “fitting gesture,” for Mother's Day.
The Sandy Hook School Building Execution Task Force said that the notorious school will be “demolished where it stands,” if the local school board approves the condemnation and the general public agrees at a referendum on the issue. The Task Force believes that the determination is “a foregone conclusion” and that the fate of the school is assured. “The votes are a mere formality,” said one insider.
While their former school is destroyed, students will attend school in a nearby town. For the protection of the school and its students, the name of the temporary alternate facility has not been disclosed to the public. However, officials assure parents, students, and the public at large that the “foster school” has been thoroughly vetted and "does not have a criminal record." The school that has been assigned temporary custody of Newton's Sandy Hook students “has never had so much as a traffic citation or a parking ticket,” parents were told at a recent press conference.
Initially, some suggested that attempts should be made to rehabilitate Sandy Hook Elementary School, but this idea was summarily rejected. “Some schools commit acts so heinous that they are beyond even the slightest hope of rehabilitation or redemption,” the town's first selectman, E. Patricia Llodra, declared. “The mass killer, Sandy Hook, is one of them.”
Indeed, Sandy Hook's crimes are even more notorious than those of the mass killer known as Columbine High School, an older facility in Colorado that killed a dozen students and one teacher. "If Sandy Hook is as monstrous at such an early age as it has proved to be, what would it be like if the facility were allowed to reach its teen years?" one local resident asked. They believe that the elementary school would be far worse than it is now if it were old enough to house high school students, as Columbine did.
“There must be zero tolerance for school shootings,” a parent said. “We need to send a message to other academic institutions across the nation: killing students won't be tolerated.”
- Paul Harris "Sandy Hook Elementary School To Be Torn Down And Rebuilt". The Guardian, May 11, 2013