UnNews:Sandra Weisenheimer is dating
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Sandra Weisenheimer is dating
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016, 11:36:UTC)(
22 March 2012
Tulsa, OKLAHOMA -- Sandra "Calista" Weisenheimer, a local 17-year-old non-beauty queen, is going on her first date this weekend, and her mother is as excited as all get out.
"Sandy has been so looking forward to dating a boy," said her mom, Brenda "JoleneAnn" Weisenheimer, a local farmer. "Whenever Calista sees a boy on television or in school she lights up, so I think she knows what to do with them."
The lad who drove up his courage to ask this Tulsa lass out with a pint of rye and a few swigs of Boone's Farm is Elmer "Flick" Grimes, who has been a classmate of Sandra's since kindergarten. "'lista gives me the shivers," admits Elmer, "at first everywhere, and now in all the right places."
The young couple plan go to the hit 3-D movie, Hugo, over at the Gateway in Bartlesville. "I've never worn those 3-D glasses," admitted Sandra, "and I'm worried that I'll have a hard time seeing my popcorn. But that's what Flick is for," she said, smiling warmly at her beau.
When asked his earliest memory of Calista, Elmer recalled "I remember a time in second grade when I looked up from my chocolate milk and saw her looking at me. I dropped my pencil case and my books, and all the chalk and pencil sharpeners and crayons spilled out. When I picked them up a paperclip covered with chocolate milk went right through my finger and I hardly even noticed."
JoleneAnn smiled, and said she knew that Sandy liked Grimes since they were both children on the sandlot. "Elmer would keep an eye on Sandra, and Calista would keep some of her eyes on Flick. It was so cute I usually got all squirmy."
The young couple promised to be home by midnight, and to mind their P's and Q's. "I wonder if giving head is anything like french-kissing?" Sandra wondered aloud as Elmer looked at her surprised before glancing at the ground, pretending to see ants. "I mean, where do the tongues go?" 'lista asked inquisitively as this reporter continued to make notes and JoleneAnn beamed as only a mother could.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|