UnNews:San Francisco Marks Godzilla Attack Centennial
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
18 April 2006
(San Francisco, CA) One hundred years ago today, San Francisco suffered what is to this day one of the worst monster-related disasters to have happened in the United States. Only the 1893 Mothra attack on Chicago caused more casualties. Citizens marked the anniversary with a sense of foreboding, knowing that another Godzilla attack was inevitable. "We've had a hundred years of peace, " comments beast expert Bob McMillan, "but we all know that "The Big One" will one day return."
At 5:12 a.m. on April 18, 1906, the sleeping city was awakened by a most unwelcome visitor. Emerging from the Pacific Ocean, the hundred foot tall Godzilla smashed its way through the city. City Hall was destroyed within 28 seconds. People scrambled from their homes as the monster's massive footsteps shook building foundations. Linda Cain, 80, recalls what her mother told her about the event, "She first thought it was just another earthquake, but a quick peek out the window revealed it was something much, much worse."
Estimates of the number of dead vary from three to six thousand. "We may never be sure, " says forensic scientist Clark Stucken, "because Godzilla devoured some of its victims, so there were no remains to be counted or buried." Volunteers dressed in historic garb retraced the monster's route through the city in a solemn procession. A handful of survivors were on hand to watch. 104-year-old Martha Lane says the Godzilla attack is one of her earliest memories, "The ugly face of that wretched beast is forever etched into my memory."
Nobody knows what happened to Godzilla after the disaster, nor even where the monster originally came from. Suspicions always lay on Japan, and rumors have it that the beast was sighted decades later in Peal Harbor during World War II. After the attack, the nation's military readiness was greatly increased. President Teddy Roosevelt and Congress tripled the defense budget, which lead to the development of the first military aircraft (the airplane having just been invented two years prior). The efforts paid off, as was proven in 1933 when an attack by giant ape King Kong on New York was thwarted with minimal casualties by the use of airplanes.
The government is saying it is ready for Godzilla's next attack on San Francisco. The beefed up Homeland Security department is developing technologies to "defeat both man and beast." Many fear terrorists will resort to using Godzilla as a weapon of mass destruction, but White House spokesman Scott McClellan assures that "We are ready, just like we were for hurricane Katrina." Pacificists are skeptical of the administration's approach, saying it would be better to try to tame Godzilla and other monsters, should they appear.
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|