UnNews:Samsung seeks to increase 3-D TV sales in 2011

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18 February 2011

Sheep man on couch
This man is quite happy that he was the first on his block to buy Samsung's new 3-D TV. He wears his 3-D glasses everywhere now.

SUWON, South Korea -- Samsung Electronics announced Thursday that it expects to sell up to 10 million 3-D televisions worldwide during 2011. They will vigorously push the new televisions on the most easily bamboozled consumers first, then the people who want the newest technology just because they think it will raise their social status, and finally everyone who doesn't want to feel like a homeless hillbilly living in a shack.

Yoon Boo-geun, president of Samsung's visual display business, told reporters, "With this strategy, we will surely beat all our competitors!" Yoon also said the company will sale at least 9 to 10 million 3-D TVs in 2011 and hailed the so-called active shutter glass technology it uses.

Samsung's 3-D sales target, if met, would be a fivefold jump from the puny 2 million sets sold in 2010. Samsung's biggest competitor, LG Electronics Inc., says it will sale at least 5 million 3-D TVs in 2011, a much more reasonable target for such a useless technology.

"Look," a PR representative with LG told the media at a recent press conference, "our new Cinema 3-D TV don't require batteries in the glasses like Samsung's do. The images in our newest commercials are optimized to deceive you into thinking you're getting a real 3-D image when you're watching reruns of boring reality shows. With our new Cinema 3-D TV, you will feel like you're in a movie theater watching the newest Pixar movie! We currently have plans sell overpriced [[Junk food|confectionery and send annoying people who talk on their phone during the movie to add to that cinematic experience! Now, come on, buy the TVs already!"

Samsung responded by saying there was no real advantage to LG's 3-D TV and that consumers would be better off buying theirs instead, offering free wool coats for every buyer, even saying they'll "pull the wool over you" on the showroom floor.

Though Samsung and other 3-D TV manufacturers are aggressively pushing the 3-D TVs on consumers, sells remain weak, namely because of the global recession. One average consumer, Rita Book, 35, told reporters Thursday that she'd love to buy "yet another piece of tech that I really don't actually need or know how to use.."

"I love having the newest everything, even if I don't know how it works. I'm going to buy a Samsung 65 inch 3D-TV tomorrow after I get my paycheck and hope my starving seven year old son can explain how it works to me. I'll probably end up sitting on the expensive glasses and break them, but that's fine because I can just shell out a hundred dollars for a replacement. That's what I do every time I drop my cellphone in the toilet.

Rita's son, Lee Barry Book, 7, told reporters, "I really don't want mommy buying this. No shows are even filmed in 3-D and they probably won't be for several years. Most movies aren't actually filmed in 3-D either. They use cheap editing effects to create a faux 3-D image. Having a 3-D TV is pointless. I'd rather have a sandwich or maybe some soup. I'm really hungry, but mommy is spending all her money on new stuff, and I'm always the one who has to explain how they work. She bought an iPad last week instead of cooking. I almost collapsed from starvation when I stood there explaining to her that she couldn't access YouTube because the iPad doesn't support Flash. She still doesn't understand."

Samsung's shares closed at 954,000 won ($854) Thursday, a one percent increase. Investor confidence rose after an influx of tweets on Twitter about 3-D TVs.

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