UnNews:Salmond shoots down helicopter over Aberdeen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Salmond shoots down helicopter over Aberdeen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 22, 2016, 18:10:UTC)(
7 April 2014
ABERDEEN, UK -- Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond shot down a British Army helicopter over the city of Aberdeen. Salmond had recently declared Aberdeen an independent people's kingdom when a riot drove Scottish police out of the main city council buildings. In response to this, the UK Government stationed 10,000 "military advisors" in Scotland.
In a press availability, with his blue face paint shimmering in the heat of the moment, Mr. Salmond announced, "It was regretable that we had to down the helicopter — but it was Westminster's fault for sending it. We are tired of listening to Westminster drone on and on about how we should live our lives like Englishmen. We want our rights and we want our freedom." Salmond and his Scottish National Party have set an election this Wednesday on uniting Aberdeen with neighbouring Dundee to create a new "Scottish Kingdom." The Westminster government have complained that it violates British and international law for Salmond to restrict voting to SNP members.
Aberdeen, in Northeast Scotland, is a key stronghold to gain for the Scottish Kingdom as it is centre of oil imports from Scandinavia and the North Sea. "With Salmond in control of the pipelines," says UN peacekeeper Tasha Richardson, "Alex Salmond can cut off all the oil and gas for the whole of the UK."
David Cameron asserts that the helicopter was shot down over British soil and the action was unwarranted and tyranical, "He is an outlaw and, when found, will suffer the full wrath of British capital punishment." However, UKIP leader Nigel Farage said he admires Mr. Salmond. "To stand up to the West and prevail through clever handling of world politics surely shows that he is one of the greatest politicians of our era."
There are no reports of survivors of the helicopter crash, but experts say the chances of surviving a missile impact would have been extremely low. The people of Scotland have been asked to remain indoors and offer no resistance to the British troops as they pass through the region. Cameron hopes to have the district of Aberdeen secured by the end of the week so that things can return to normal.
- "Army Apache helicopter makes emergency landing in Maryculter field". BBC News, April 07, 2014
- "Ukraine crisis: Protesters declare Donetsk 'republic'". BBC News, April 07, 2014