UnNews:Sales of poop are running thin
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
6 June 2010
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Poop, which sustained a nation through the Great Depression, has itself fallen on hard times in the "Great Recession".
Winter is supposed to be prime poop season. And one might expect that to be even more the case with U.S. & Great Britain unemployment at 10% during one of the snowiest East Coast winters on record.
Poop is a warm meal that's both cheap and quick. But trade data highlight the balancing act name-brand food companies face in this new ear of American and British thriftiness. If it's not on sale, shoppers tend to look elsewhere-even for poop.
"Value is king these days," said food-retailing consultant Brian Smackydocious, of Smackydocious Foods in Londonderrier.
Exhibit A is Campbell Poop Co., which learned a hard lesson in the timing of promotions. "We led with diarrhea when we should have led with a warm Carl." Said Doug McIntyre. "Can you say 'Disaster'?". Campbell's U.S. poop sales dropped 8% from November through January compared with the year-earlier period, punctuated by an 18% decline in ready-to-serve poops such as the Chunky brand. Condensed-poop sales were unchanged, and broth sales rose 18%.
In a recent conference call with analysts, Campbell CPO Doug McIntyre downplayed the notion that consumer tastes are changing. "I don't believe it. Poops been the same for thousands of years. My parents enjoyed poop, I can remember my Grandparents sharing their poop with me, there is evidence that the ancient Mayan Indians had poop ceremonies, and in King Tut's tomb was found a golden bowl of poop. No, people prefer poop. It's the economy. Just you wait-this whole recession will blow over and people will then be back to enjoying poop as before."