UnNews:Sal Fasano returns to work

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Sal Fasano returns to work

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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7 April 2011

Sal Fasano shag

Fasano takes a few practice cuts. The baseball in this photo was Photoshooped; in actual practice sessions, Fasano practices using kittens.

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Uncyclopedia meme Sal Fasano, hired to manage the local minor-league baseball team over the winter, returns to the field tonight.

Fasano is the owner of one of the most notorious mustaches in the game--a scruffy Fu Manchu that some say is one of the Mustaches of Legend that may herald the return of the twelfth imam, the Mahdi, and/or the Biblical rapture. He has set goals for the team's current campaign including his signature blue-collar work ethic and poor personal hygiene.

Fasano has always been a crowd-pleaser. Not many career .221 hitters have their own cheering section, but Fasano's fans, who call themselves "Sal's Pals" and are judiciously disarmed on their way into the ballpark, occupied the right-field seats in Philadelphia, wearing fake mustaches by which to avoid being recognized.

Local fans met Fasano at a team party on Tuesday and were amazed at the accessibility of the baseball icon. "He was actually friendly to me," said Marc Major of Manchester, who will now refer to Fasano as "my best friend" and forget he ever shook John F. Kennedy's hand.

Club management had planned to sign a team consisting exclusively of other Uncyclopedia memes. Unfortunately, both Chuck Norris and Oprah Winfrey had commitments in Hollywood, which is not in the Eastern League; but lanky speedster Larry Kudlow agreed to shares in the club in lieu of cash, and will be the starting centerfielder.

Fasano's New Hampshire Fisher Cats open the current campaign tonight at 6:30 at the often-renamed downtown ballpark, known this year as I Fixed My Aneurysm Dot Com Stadium. A "fisher cat" is a predatory animal that carries away and eats house pets; it is the state animal, right behind the seagull and the union-busting legislator, which often do the same.

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