Saint Valentines day a rip-off says St Valentine

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, December 11, 2018, 00:02:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

14 February 2007

St valentine then

A photo of St. Valentine taken in the 3rd century B.C.

Rip OffEdit

Recently risen-again saint Valentinus spoke exclusively to UnNews ,"I couldn't believe it, I've just risen from my grave and this guy tries to sell me roses to celebrate my own day, I don't even like roses, they've got thorns for Christ's sake, what's romantic about having your skin punctued by a plant? Jesus had the right idea going around smashing up market stalls for selling over priced crap."


Although Saint Valentines day celebrates love, the Saint himself admitted to being far from romantic,"I never had time for all that sort of stuff, so long as my dinner was on the table and I could relax in front of the telly, I was happy." When questioned about the existence of television in in the late third century B.C. the saint replied,"yeah we had TV, what do you think we did with our time, sit and look at the wall?"

St valentine now

St. Valentine today, relaxing on his heart shaped luxury yacht

$16.90 BillionEdit

The National Retail Federation's 2007 Valentine's Day Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, concluded that the total Valentine's day spending would Reach $16.90 Billion."Holy crap",exclaimed the saint,"I need to get my name made into a trade mark, I'm gonna be rich!".

Saint Valentine® is now on a promotional tour of the mid west and has plans to purchase a heart shaped castle. He is rumoured to be lined up to present the next series of Celebrity love Island.

Sources Edit