UnNews:Sainsbury buys Argos via click-and-collect

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Sainsbury buys Argos via click-and-collect

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3 April 2016


Buying a sprout or cabbage has just got a lot more long winded.

LONDON, England -- Sainsbury's has sealed a £1 billion deal to buy the Argos business, after Home Retail Group’s board finally managed to find the correct order number in the catalogue. After many hours of abandoned queuing and form-filling errors, the supermarket fruit and veg giant is set to purchase Argos via their online click-and-collect service.

Argos was initially offered a £1.4 billion buyout from South Africa’s Steinhoff. However, the High Street chain managed to put off the impatient Southern Hemisphere company with their stratospherically slow and annoying user interface.

Mike Coupe, Sainsbury’s chief executive, said: “We are very pleased that Argos managed to make a complete Horlicks of the South African bid. It is a stark reminder that only those in the United Kingdom are prepared to queue for hours to get to a catalogue, take another hour to thumb through it, another hour to queue to pay for it and another hour to pick it up.

“Those that would find it a welcome relief that a £3 ‘Garfield pencil sharpener’ is not in stock, would be better off buying another company, or from another company.”

The chief executive added that the combined business will offer a multi-product, multichannel proposition, sure to be very attractive to customers and create "value." What this means in normal English is that the customer will be able to queue for hours to buy cocktail sausages and cornflakes as well as bedside alarm clocks, provided they are in stock. The shareholders will be able to reduce the size of their own store staff to two — and should the product go beyond its sell-by date while waiting to be collected, it is unlikely a customer would have the mental stamina to join the even bigger queue for complaints or refunds.

Shareholders hope the combined business will create a £6bn business that will give both brands a stronger offering against the likes of rival retailers John Lewis and Marks & Spencer, who make it easy for customers to buy their products by allowing them to take items from the shelves themselves. Despite the improved prospects for the Board, 400 jobs at Argos may be sacrificed due to Sainsbury’s plan to shutter up to 200 of its megastores.

The deal is expected to be completed in the third quarter of the year as Sainsbury's has had to return to the back of the queue, while Argos sort out the confusion caused by their aquisition staff getting one digit wrong and accidently buying a lava lamp.

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