UnNews:Saddam joins Uday and Qusay -- in PARADISE!
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Saddam joins Uday and Qusay -- in PARADISE!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 6, 2016, 18:26:UTC)(
30 December 2006
Baghdad, Iraq - As the result of a freak execution, former dictator and all-around bastard-bad guy-evildoer-boogeyman-human devil Saddam Hussein today joined his all-around bastard-bad guy-evildoer-boogeyman-human devil sons Uday and Qusay in paradise.
Unable to see because of a black hood with which his captives had fitted him to protect him from the cold weather during a visit to the gallows from which he was scheduled to be hung in 30 days, he tripped after trying the noose of the hangman’s rope around his neck to see whether Allah had shrunk it so that it was too small to fit him. Allah had not, and Saddam’s unfortunate accident resulted in his actual hanging and subsequent death from a broken neck.
Saddam is believed to have been quite the womanizer if not the ladies’ man, and, one of his many daughters contended, “He and my brothers are no doubt enjoying themselves immensely in deflowering their virginal brides and meting out the brutal discipline that they administered to their earthly harems, me included.”
The U. S. Army sent Saddam’s sons to their eternal reward on July 23, 2006, when soldiers attacked a house in Mosul, Iraq. Their bodies were flown out of the country and into paradise aboard a military aircraft, where they were met by Allah and introduced to their respective virginal harems. For his trouble in having provided the sons’ address to the U. S. military forces, the informant was allowed by Allah to collect the full $30 million ($15 million for each son) without suffering the inconvenience of being captured and beheaded by one of Saddam’s loyalists. “It was a small price to pay for the delivery of the dictator‘s male offspring,” Allah told preeminent Iraqi Muslim cleric Omar Bukkake, who passed on the word to the Iraqi citizens.
The sons’ bodies were horribly mutilated in the barrage of missile fire that U. S. helicopter pilots launched against the house in which Uday and Qusay were hiding, but Allah was confident that he could patch them up “almost as good as new,” and he said, speaking through Bukkake, he was “pretty sure” he could do the same for their father. “A broken neck is nothing for Allah,” Bukkake asserted. “Saddam, although dead, will be fine.”
Allah promises faithful martyrs like Saddam and his sons not only 70 virgins but 70 wives as well. However, Saddam declined the offer of the wives, saying “How could a man attain happiness, even in the presence of Allah, with 70 wives and 70 virgins?” He asked to be allowed to accept the 70 virgins only. As each is deflowered, he plans to attack her with nerve gas, because, once she is no longer a virgin, she will be of no value. “Allah has agreed,” Bukkake said, “to replace the women whom his true and faithful servant Saddam deflowers with other virgins. In paradise, there is no end to virgins, and Saddam may enjoy as many as he pleases.”
According to the Koran, in addition to as many virgins as they wish, Saddam and his sons may expect to enjoy jeweled couches, servants, bowls, ewers, fine wine, fruits, fowl, and a variety of gemstones, including pearls, aquamarine, and rubies, Bukkake said. In addition, Saddam and his sons may expect to suffer from satyriasis, for the Koran states that “the penis of the elect never softens, but remains eternally erect, experiencing bliss unattainable in this world.”
“That’s why they need all those virgins,” Bukkake explained.
- Anonymous "Saddam's Sons Confirmed Dead; Two U.S. Soldiers Killed in Separate Attacks". FoxNews.com, July 23, 2003