UnNews:Saddam from prison: "I've got major blue balls"
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Saddam from prison: "I've got major blue balls"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 08:04:UTC)(
31 July 2006
GENEVA (Reuters) -- It is not the constant, rigid interrogation from US officials nor the immense hatred coming from many people around the world that is most bothering Saddam Hussein as he sits in prison. His biggest problem, Saddam says, is that "the blue balls fucking sucks."
Hussein has been locked away for some time now, and most people are under the impression that such uncomfortable conditions would really bring a guy down. However, Saddam seems to be in high spirits except for the lack of sexual stimulation.
"In Iraq, I had many beautiful women throwing themselves at me because if they didn't, they would be killed," Saddam said. "That combined with the fact that I really get off on being in control of others put me in a great situation. I never had to worry about my sex life drying up." But recent months in US prison have not been kind to Saddam. He is on constant watch by high-ranking military officers who don't allow much time for masturbation.
"It's not like I don't have the will to 'do the deed', it's just that I'm always being watched," Saddam said. "It's hard for me to even touch myself through my pants when someone's watching."
Eventually though, Saddam got over the issue of being watched, prison guard Christopher Berkowitz tells us. "After he got used to us watching him, he really let go. He was just fondling himself all the time."
At first, Saddam's "whack"y antics were stopped by guards as soon as they started, but eventually he was allowed to proceed.
"It was getting harder and harder to stop him from doing it," says Berkowitz. "We just gave in and let him do it. A man's got to do what a man's got to do, dictator or not, you know? So he just pounded one out in his cell, and I'll tell you something, President Bush knew what he was talking about when he said Saddam was harboring weapons of mass destruction. That thing shot about ten feet!"