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10 November 2010
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- In what appears to be the largest bust of its kind in recent history, a coalition of local and federal law enforcement officers confiscated nearly ten tons of McDonald's brand plastic toys as well as at least 30 firearms, 14 unlicensed vehicles, and several hostages. The toys, which largely featured cartoon movie characters from the films "Megamind" and "Alpha and Omega", are estimated to have a total street value exceeding 47 million dollars, an average value of thirty times the hourly wage of the small asian child that assembled it per toy.
The operation began early Monday morning when an anonymous undercover officer named Phillip Davies (going by the alias "Sam Prisbrey", living at 341 Grove Street) caught wind of a shipment coming in from an undisclosed distributer in Latin America. The city, having only recently banned the hated toys, was quick to respond. By Tuesday, a task force of 30 regular officers, 15 SWAT, and 12 FBI agents had assembled and began staking out the target: a small, unassuming victorian home located in the Mission District. Roads were closed off several blocks in all directions, nearby homes were evacuated and for several hours, everything was quiet. The resident gang members appeared compliant until shots were fired from a second-story window at approximately 6:50 AM. After a fourteen hour-long stand-off in which nine police officers were wounded and at least seven suffered from slight indigestion, the San Francisco Police Department's SWAT team finally broke through, ridding the city of just one more enemy pawn in the nation's widespread War on Fast Food.
27 people were arrested in the aftermath.
Said police chief Mitch Brady: "We got there right after the goods arrived, right before they could be broken up and distributed among the local dealers. Couldn't have had better timing."
Many of the cartel members involved in the incident were already well-versed in the drug trade and began transitioning to the much more lucrative illegal toy trafficking trade only several weeks before, says one anonymous informant. (Javier Aguero, 1452 San Jose Blvd.)
Though many San Franciscans can rejoice in the success and efficiency of their police department, opinions are still split over the issue legality of free toys with meals. While some wish to continue down this path and reign in even greater victories, others fear that it will lead to prohibition-style reactions in the communities that have grown accustomed to small plastic trinkets.
"These corporate giants... and the drug cartels behind them... are corrupting the minds of our children. First it's the fries, then the shakes, pretty soon little five-year olds will be coming up to the counter asking to 'supersize me'. Sure the toys might seem harmless, but they're just gateways to even more and more terrible things." (Meredith R., 46)
"This is simply not a fight we're gonna win. People will still do it regardless. The way I see it, it'll only teach our children to be better criminals. Like my little Benny, who stabbed the neighbor's cat yesterday for a McRib." (Dianne T., 34)
"I used to make bongs out of those things. Now what will I make my bongs out of?" (Jeff P., 21)
A child-friendly rehabilitation center is set to open up in the city this coming spring. For the moment, one thing remains clear: Obesity must be combated at all costs, with all available weaponry.
- Matthew Clark, "Mexicans Smuggle Drugs Through Tuennel in Support of Prop 19". Christian Science Monitor, November 4, 2010