UnNews:SE England under tourism flood-watch
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
18 January 2014
South-East of England -- Severe flooding has hit the South-East of England for the first time since Chessington World of Adventures' shark tank was cracked open. Hundreds of Conservative constituencies were suddenly put in great danger as the combination of weather that isn't mild and a huge wave of 174 Croatian and 24 Romanian immigrants hit the country, shortly after relaxation of EU immigration rules since the beginning of 2014 and a sudden decline in quality of weather forecasting.
The South-East has been left in turmoil with hundreds of homes damaged, forcing occupants to move into second homes for the time being. One ordinary banker from Lingfield, East Sussex said, "You see those documentaries of the Earthquakes and Volcanoes that errupt in the former colonies where thousands of plebs die and now to think that here in the South East of England, the only place on Earth that never gets any weather more extreme than below 2 degrees Celcius or above a mild storm, has been dramatically transformed into one of those poor places. It's a disgrace, where are the special council people who are employed to mop up the water?"
The flooding is also present in many other parts of the country however this is completely usual and any Londoner could tell you that the people of Devon and Cornwall are amphibions. 8 people have fallen casualty to the storms in the South-East that have been ongoing on and off since Christmas Eve and yet one environment analyst we spoke to felt no sympathy, "For years the people of the South-East and the media have laughed at the rest of the country as it was plagued by deep freezes and cliff collapse and now because of global warming caused by the ignorant upper middle class who inhabit the South-Eastern region of our country they too are now feeling the effects." The Met Office has never the less issued a yellow flood alert and warned people that the yellow water may be due to overflow from poorly maintained sewage systems due to lack of government funding.
The most shocking revelation to come from the extreme weather is that it coincides with the massive wave of immigrants who have entered the country since the new year. Out of the expected tens of thousands of Romanians to enter the country 24 have already entered either showing that the media were wrong about the immigrant scare or the more likely explanation that the European road network is of terrible quality and in dire need of repair. A woman from Guildford, Surrey was surprised when she found that, "instead of all the Romanians heading straight for the rural dwellings of the upper middle classes, terrorising our neighbourhoods and stealing our high-life financial sector jobs the Romanians have for some reason confined themselves to areas away from where we live and are peacefully getting on with their lives." Even so, the far right in Parliament have noticed that the Romanians aren't being friendly enough to Londoners and joining in with society and are calling for Romanians to be segregated as to prevent them from getting together and collaborating in groups to overthrow the native Hougonout descendants and British Asians who live around their area.
Ed Miliband has blamed the rise in immigrants and water levels as more corporation corruption. The "Big Six" water companies that control water supply in England and Wales are behind a scheme to get more money out of the honest British tax payer by flooding their homes. "This kind of thing cannot be allowed to happen," said Mr. Miliband, "and I have reminded my son Ed, who does not share my hate of Britain to the proper extent, that the water companies must be nationalised to keep the price of clearing up flood water down." Nick Clegg who is willing to side with the Labour Party for a coalition in the next General elections has also pointed out that the travel companies dominate the market too much and are all behind a plan to divert Romanian and Bulgarian holiday makers to long term stays in the UK.
- "Ed Miliband urges bank branch sell-off to tackle 'broken' market". BBC News, January 17, 2014
- "Romania and Bulgaria EU migration restrictions lifted". BBC News, January 1, 2014