SC shooting induces panic by legislators

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23 June 2015

KKK flag

The "stars and bars" fly over the South Carolina capital, just above the state flag, marking the area's colorful history.

CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- The U.S. Republican Party, after eight years in the wilderness, has been inspired by the Charleston assassin to prove it can still arrive at Democrat solutions before the Democratic Party does.

In the wake of the murder of nine parishioners of the Emanuel A.M.E. Church (allegedly) by Dylann Roof, a 21-year-old white person who said he found so little evidence of an American race war that he set out to crowd-source one, everyone from Mitt Romney to all three statewide Republican office-holders are outdoing one another's unsolicited call for the Confederate flag on display at the state capitol to be removed and probably burned in effigy.

This would mark a pause in the drive to repeal Obama-care, the President's plan to give everyone free stuff, in favor of a Republican plan to give everyone free stuff — instead turning the nation's attention to a plan to pander to African Americans based on skin color that is better than the Democrats' record of pandering based on skin color. The moves would set the stage for the 2016 election to again be between socialism and dithering.

African Americans are uniquely sensitive to reminders that they used to be Constitutionally three-fifths of a person. The mere glimpse of the "stars and bars" might make them rush into the arms of whiskey and "hip hop," and the resulting effects would be everyone else's fault. Instead, African Americans are to be given a facsimile history in which they always enjoyed full legal rights. Then, ghettoes where teenagers whore out schoolgirls and refuse to cooperate with police would be seen as the result of white racism.

Not to be outdone, President Barack Obama has started using the "N-word" in polite company. This word, which UnNews Senior Reporters are still trying to identify, is instantly traumatic to every black person when spoken by a white person. It is inoccuous, however, when used by a nondescript Arab mongrel whose grandmother was a "typical white person," and is a veritable Secret Handshake when blacks use it on one another. Mr. Obama used the taboo word in a podcast in which he pointed out, "Societies don't, overnight, completely erase everything that happened 200 to 300 years prior." However, GOP chairman Reince Priebus, in an adjacent pod, countered, "Yes, we can!"

The "Stars and Bars" — which now represents nothing but gun massacres in all-black churches — has been pulled from store shelves at Walmart (though politics junkies can continue to buy the relatively inoffensive Che Guevara T-shirt), and Amazon and eBay have banned their websites from selling used ones. Amazon founder Jeff Bezos stated that granting real and pretend African Americans the exclusive right not to be exposed to objects or ideas they may, in retrospect and after coaching, consider offensive will do wonders for race relations.

To further differentiate the two political parties, Jeb Bush operative Karl Rove joined Mr. Obama and Hillary Clinton in calls for America to "take action" to prevent future Charleston massacres, presumably with new gun laws. Rising star Bernie Sanders merely protested that consumers had a wasteful choice of too many brands and models of firearms at gun shops, and candidate Lincoln Chafee insisted that "caliber" be replaced with a measurement using the metric system. Meanwhile, Charleston police prepared additional charges against Mr. Roof that events leading up to the alleged murders violated the laws already in existence.

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