UnNews:SC Lieutenant Governor Bauer Taking On The Strays in Real Time
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
SC Lieutenant Governor Bauer Taking On The Strays in Real Time
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 02:36:UTC)(
26 January 2010
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
COLUMBIA, South Carolina - South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer has exactly 24 hours to stop a government operation that apparently will provide undeserved food and other care to the state's stray animal population. Bauer is not simply the state's Lieutenant Governor, he is also a key operative in the federal Counter-Terrorism Unit.
Bauer's latest mission is to thwart an operation that has been launched from within the United States' own government. There are factions within government that are shamelessly feeding stray animals, perpetuating the cycle of dependency that keeps them from trying to better themselves. For Bauer, a staunch individualist and believer in the American way, this is a domestic terrorism situation that will require the full force of his skill, training and willpower. There is no telling what these animals are capable of, and even his very own loved ones may become targets for their wretched begging and dependency.
Although he is widely regarded as the best damn agent the CTU has, his heartless, sometimes ruthless methods have earned him many detractors. Bauer has defended his methods as necessary given the circumstances. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman," he told UnNews, "but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed! You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal... ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that."
Lawmakers who support the stray animal feeding program expressed outrage over Bauer's mission and his statements. "I am disgusted by these comments. They show an unbelievable lack of compassion toward the [homeless cats] in our state who are hurting during these hard times," said state Sen. Vincent Sheheen, a Democrat. "His comments were immoral and out of line."
Bauer remains unmoved by these attacks. "Do I wish I had used a better metaphor? No. Not at all. I'm sorry; when the livelihoods of wealthy Americans is at stake, no sacrifice is too great, no method is too extreme. In 24 hours if there is a stray animal left in this state that isn't too hungry to breed, I will have failed."
- Seanna Adcox "Please don't feed the unemployed, it'll only encourage them". Yahoo! News, January 26, 2010