UnNews:SC Gov wants to "resouthify" with $8B bailout for state
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SC Gov wants to "resouthify" with $8B bailout for state
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 28, 2017, 20:30:UTC)(
19 March 2009
IGNOMINIOUS, South Carolina -- Expressing his wishes to use an estimated eight billion dollars to reignite southern pride, rather than spending it as the term "stimulus package" might imply, SC governor Mark Sanford wrote an amusing letter to President Obama today.
A hasty list was drawn up by a governor's special ops team, highlighting Confederate flags, stone reproductions of the Ten Commandments, and Intelligent design textbooks as a good start towards restoring the south.
"This is not a comprehensive list, of course," said David Duke, CEO of Lahey's Tartar Sauce Emporium and appointee to the Robert E. Lee Memorial Resouthification Project based in Clubfoot, South Carolina.
"We are moving precipitiously close to a satan-based economy. And by satan, I mean Obama," said governor Mark Sanford. In an exclusive UnNews interview, which Steven Colbert had nothing to do with, Sanford expounded on the merits of restoring "good, old-timey values to our great southified southerness. Prayer in schools need to come back, and we need to be clear in our understanding of the one true God who supports Christian values."
Former vice president Dick "Dick" Cheney chimed in, muttering out of the side of his mouth as usual. "At least I have a private army (Xi formerly know as Blackwater) to fall back on, just in case those race wars they keep talking about in rural Idaho actually happen."
Cheney also complained of President Obama's whimsical attitudes about socialism, Satan and homeland security. "What the president does not understand is that the world is a hostile place, especially towards righteous Christians here in America. And the super rich. And the arrogant, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, space-god worshippers."