UnNews:S. Sudan to Sudan: "It's over, and this time, I mean it!"
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S. Sudan to Sudan: "It's over, and this time, I mean it!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 14:27:UTC)(
7 February 2011
JUBA, Sudan -- The last throes of Sudan and South Sudan's relationship was a cause for embarassment and discomfort among international observers this week as S. Sudan made clear that it intends to leave.
"It's over, and this time, I mean it," the South was heard to declare as she stormed out amidst a party of international observers whom she had invited, possibly for extra dramatic impact.
One of the Sudan's neighbours, Chad, who declined to give a last name, was surprised by the development, telling UnNews, "They're joined at the hip, you know? I've seen her talk this way before but it didn't come to anything. They've been through a lot, and the South stood by the North even through some of his more questionable proclivities, you know, the wars, the religious intolerance, the genocide. I mean, that's the maximum level of ass-holery. I don't see why she would wait until now to leave him."
Another neighbour speaking on condition of anonymity said, "Have you seen [The South]? She's healthy, she's green, she's far more attractive than that dusty old villain up there - good on her. About damn time." Combing his hair, he added, "Maybe... I should try and run a little insurgency all up in that. Heh heh."
The Sudans, reputed swingers, were once part of a three-way with Egypt. That relationship ended in 1956, and the Sudans continued on their own, albeit in a strained relationship. Sudan has constantly engaged in disturbing acts of self-mutilation, and neighbours have frequently complained of Sudanese domestic problems spilling onto their property.
With some notable unrest in the neighbourhood already with Egypt, Tunisia, and, a couple of blocks over, Jordan, many observers hope that the Sudans can part amicably with a minimum of disturbance of the peace. It was not immediately clear if the South intends to keep her married name "Sudan" or change to something else.
The North, for his part, is reportedly not taking the break up well. "He's proud," said the aforementioned anonymous neighbour. "He's going to keep her land-locked and try and make her realize just how badly she needs him. But the South is a resourceful lady, and she's got plenty of oil down there, if you know what I mean," he said, nudging and winking. UnNews did not quite catch his drift.
Over the next few months it is expected that the former couple will begin the difficult and often passive-aggressive process of setting new boundaries. If The North follows the standard break-up playbook, he probably has some of the South's clothes, which in attempting to return will lead to an awkward attempt to bang out a quick, meaningless reunification. The South is not without options, however: previously unattracted to her, mutual friends report that America has been smitten since he heard about South Sudan's oil riches.
- Jason Straziuso and Maggie Fick "S. Sudan makes preparations for next world capital". AP, February 07, 2011