UnNews:Russians set to seize rest of Nevada
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
16 April 2014
SNAKE'S HIPS, Nevada -- Troops resembling the Russian Army, presumably not satisfied with the capture of the Crimea last month, seem ready to bite off a huge chunk off the tip of this pizza-shaped Western U.S. state. Defending the territory 80 miles northeast of Las Vegas is a rag-tag citizen militia, fresh from a home showing of Red Dawn and ready to take on the Roosky invaders.
Rancher Cliven Bundy availed himself of a technique that lawyers refer to as forum shopping, selecting the forum of a bloody desert battlefield to prosecute his claim that the U.S. Bureau of Land Mismanagement (BLM) has no business charging him grazing fees for the use of federal land that used to be free. Senator Rand Paul confirmed that the U.S. Constitution protects the citizen from paying any fee he didn't used to pay. But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi countered that the "pursuit of happiness" actually refers to the citizen's right to feel happy about receiving a universal promise of health coverage.
The BLM claims that the grazing restrictions are required to protect an endangered turtle. Ironically, the turtle, the delicious toffee-and-walnut treat, is now plentiful in Southern Nevada. However, when cows are present, another plentiful indigenous resource nicknamed the pie is mistaken for the tasty turtle. In a further twist, the restrictions were established as "remediation" for a nearby development, which is either a huge solar farm with financial connections to the Democratic Party, or a legal bordello with ties to the Republicans.
Proving that both sides are equally matched in the public relations department, the BLM organized a "free speech zone" for the protestors flocking to the ranch, and for a while, moved the cattle to a zone all their own. However, both herds have now been returned, and as eager to tell their story on talk radio as Bundy is.
Bundy, who became famous as the hard-luck women's shoe salesman in Married with Children, told Glenn Beck it is bigger than a financial dispute. He wants not just a financial settlement but for the BLM to devolve all its land to the State of Nevada, then close Guantanamo, and produce the actual Obama birth certificate. His son, Mammon, told the local press that "It will cause an uproar and it will be 10 times bigger than this," or about half the electioneering capability of the average union hall.