UnNews:Russians hack State Department; Hillary files are safe

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Russians hack State Department; Hillary files are safe

Democracy Dies with Dignity

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15 March 2015

Jen Psaki

State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, in front of a strategic map of the world, digresses from discussing national security to indicate how large she wishes her breasts were.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Department of State has had its email accounts hacked by Russians. Fortunately, all records of skullduggery and intrigue during the tenure of Hillary Clinton are safe, as the former Secretary of State had the foresight to store them in the basement of her mansion in Chappaqua, N.Y.

A White House spokesman said that the tendency of past Presidents to be overly protective of national secrets is obviously what led Vladimir Putin's agents to install malware at state.gov. "Josh" "Earnest" told the press that, in this new era of openness, when a suspect email arrives, Presidential aides always click on it, just to show that they are open-minded. (Mail from Britain and Israel goes into the spam folder.)

The penetration was reported in the British press, as American newspapers don't touch this sort of thing, though they did report last week that drunk Secret Service agents slammed a staff car into a barrier at the White House. As all those agents had Top Secret clearance, there are no security implications. Secretary of State John Kerry was as unaware of either penetration as a drunk Sarah Palin, as he is flying somewhere to explain that global warming is a greater threat than either Russia or ISIS. Iran is a threat, but the treaty Mr. Kerry is finalizing will delay for ten years Iranian nukes and will give the U.S. a full year's warning when Iran breaks it.

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Hillary comes really clean

Mrs. Clinton's aides have been tirelessly deleting such emails as they decide do not affect national security. As they are using keyword searches and not viewing any of the emails, the process is above suspicion. It is not clear whether Craig Livingstone, head of White House security during the Clinton years, is involved, or whether he is back as a bar bouncer. Emails that pass this muster are being delivered to the State Department, on paper, in crates, in Braille, and Mrs. Clinton is urging the State Department to help her pursue openness and disclose them fully.

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