UnNews:Russians beg officials to bury Lenin
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 October 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
MOSCOW, Russia - Increasingly, Russians have issued pleas to officials to bury revolutionary leader Vladimir Lenin--or at least to embalm him. Since his death in 1924, the former Soviet Union and the present-day Russia have kept his rotten corpse on display in a wooden “mausoleum” in Red Square. “We need closure,” Rossiskaya Gazeta said. “Besides, he stinks!”
Despite the pleas of its citizenry, however, Russian hardliners are opposed to relocating Lenin’s body, noting that, following the Cold War, times are hard and Lenin’s body, such as it is, is the capitol’s “biggest tourist attraction.” Europeans flock to Red Square to sneer at the festering cadaver of the man who led the Bolshevik revolution in 1917 that cemented Communist rule in Russia for 75 years. Americans also come “in droves” to jeer at the dead leader.
“My grandfather fought in World War I,” Marion Madison said, “just so I could fly to Moscow and spit on the dead body of this Commie scum.” Madison has made a dozen trips to Moscow to “pay my disrespects” to the former Communist, and “as long as my supplies of saliva and mucus hold out, I’ll be back to do it again.”
To view the body, officials charge the equivalent of fifty American dollars; to spit on the corpse, one must pay twice this amount. Although, officially, no one is permitted to urinate on the cadaver, it is rumored that even this insult is permitted, for “a sizeable donation to the upkeep of the mausoleum.”
He has urinated on Lenin’s body “more times than I can remember,” Madison declared. “I always drink a couple of bottles of vodka before I visit Red Square, to make sure my bladder’s full.” He wants to be sure, he says, that, in paying for the privilege of urinating upon Lenin’s body, he gets his money’s worth. "Besides," he added, "Lenin likes golden showers."
Advocates of relocating Lenin’s corpse have started a petition. If they can get eighty percent of the people to sign, the government has agreed to move the body “away from the rats and urine stains, at least,” although not out of Red Square itself.
For now, those who live near the former leader’s body are content with even this small concession to their wishes. “Anything’s better than nothing,” they say, especially considering the unsanitary condition of the necropolis and that fact that, not to put the matter too delicately, “Lenin stinks!”