Russian rocket blows
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Saturday, November 17, 2018, 17:30:UTC)(
12 Oct 2018
BAIKONUR COSMODROME, Russia -- A Russian Soyuz rocket intended to carry two astronauts to the International Space Station has malfunctioned and crashed. The two astronauts aboard were reported able to eject their capsule and land. Russia and the US now blame each other, though Pres. Donald Trump promptly absolved Russia of any blame several hours later with a full pardon. He tweeted, "The blame now falls on Mexico, always jealous of countries with space pogroms."
Officials are now hard at work to determine the cause of the failure. Recovering the rocket fragments will be difficult as they happened to fall in Syria in a region controlled by anti-government forces. After uncovering a drilled hole on the space station earlier, investigators are now looking at possible sabotage by the slave laborers that built the rocket. However, independent sources indicate that the Russian space agency should not have used plans stolen from NASA in both cases. Nonetheless, to prevent whistleblowers, Russian police have quietly confiscated all whistles.
Space agency officials were careful in breaking the news to those currently aboard the space station. Official Col. Yevgeny Yevtushenko noted, "There was a small amount of panic initially until we remotely released the 'calmness' gas into the station." The 3 astronauts aboard expressed alarm at "no new porn" until they were scheduled to leave in December. NASA astronaut Parker Ripley noted her disappointment at not being able to be reunited with her ant farm. Russian officials then advised all to just "open a door and take a short walk outside" to clear their minds.
Both astronauts aboard the rocket, Russian Mikhail Bakunin and American Dave Bowman, are reported safe after their craft touched down somewhere in the steppes of Kazakhstan. A spokesman for the Russian space agency stated that although rescue teams have yet to reach them, they would be perfectly safe. "Each guy is equipped with a pistol. Each pistol has only one bullet. Just in case they are found by that Borat Sagdiyev fellow first, they are to shoot themselves to prevent any humiliation." When asked about wild bears roaming the region, the spokesman replied "Bears? Bears can get their own guns, okay?"
- Dvosky, George "After Soyuz Failure, Space Is Now Weirdly Inaccessible to Astronauts". Gizmodo, October 11, 2018