UnNews:Russian currency crisis ends
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Russian currency crisis ends
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, March 23, 2018, 07:59:UTC)(
25 December 2014
MOSCOW, Russia -- The government of Vladimir Putin announced today that the country's economic crisis has now ended — except for routine aftershocks, such as massive price increases, unavailability of products, bankruptcies, and street protests.
Finance Minister Anton Siluanov told the Parliament on Thursday that the ruble had dropped to record lows, and thus had nowhere to go but back up. He said the key had been to raise interest rates on bank deposits to 20 percent. The obvious consequence will be an era of stability, lasting all the way up to the next cataclysm.
The crisis, caused by the fall in the price of oil and sanctions from the West that made it impossible to buy from Europe, was resolved by making it impossible to sell to Europe either. The crisis had threatened to stain Mr. Putin's record for providing stability, or at least foreign culprits.
The next minor challenge for the government will be to meet with ratings agencies to explain its actions, lest they rate the entire country "junk"; also to sell the rest of the nation's gold and write inspirational speeches to deliver when the bank runs begin.
Putin's economic aide Andrei Belousov said that the ruble has remained perfectly stable since its last small bout of instability. "This was to be expected, as the entire Soviet Union was falling apart — which is another problem we're solving." The government remains willing to conduct further reforms. Belousov said, "The ruble would look very attractive if we renamed it the penny."
- Elena Fabrichnaya and Alexander Winning "Russia says ruble crisis over as reserves dive, inflation climbs". Reuters, December 25, 2014